The Humor Train

****The OBAMACARE SOLUTION****

The medical community was unable to reach consensus on what to do with America's health insurance situation.

The Allergists were in favor of scratching it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

Meanwhile, Obstetricians felt certain everyone was laboring under a misconception, while the Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.

Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, "Oh, grow up!"

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.

Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and the Internists claimed it would indeed be a bitter pill to swallow.

The Plastic Surgeons opined that this proposal would "put a whole new face on the matter."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.

Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and those lofty Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes in Washington.

In South Los Angeles a 4-plex was destroyed by a fire.

A Mexican family of six, all welfare recipients and gang members, lived in the first unit. They died.

An Islamic group of seven welfare cheats, all illegally in the country from Kenya, lived in the second unit. They too all perished.

Six black gang bangers & ex-cons lived in the third unit. They too all died.

A white couple lived in the fourth unit. The couple survived the fire.

Jesse Jackson, John Burris and Al Sharpton were furious!! They flew into LA and met with the fire chief.

On camera, they loudly demanded to know why blacks, Muslims and Hispanics all died in the fire and why only the white couple lived?

The Fire Chief said, "They were at work."

Three men died and they were in the gates of heaven

The angel says there's a new rule and they need to state the cause of death and and show proof of it before entering.

The first man says "I died of tuberculosis"

"Where's the proof?" says the angel. The man pulls the nastiest loogie ever, full of pieces of lung, pus and curdled blood and spits it on the ground

"You can come in" the angel says.

These second man barely drags himself and the angel takes a look at him at says "Well, it's pretty obvious you died from leprosy, you're rotting. Put I still need proof."

So the leper simply grabs one of his ears and throws it next to the tuberculoogie

The third man, looking very frail and skinny says almost fainting "I died of starvation."

Angel says "Well, you know the drill"

The starving man picks the ear up, dips it on the loogie and eats it with a "yuuuuuummmm"

Of course he got in.

A very sad man is in a bar nursing his drink. The bartender asks, “What's wrong buddy?”

Man: “My wife said she won’t talk with me for a month.”

Bartender: “That’s terrible.”

Man: “Yeah, the month ends today.”

Medicare Part G

   If  you are an older senior citizen and can no longer take care of
   yourself and need Long-Term Care, but the government says there is
   no Nursing Home care available for you, what do you do?

   You may opt for Medicare Part G.

   The plan gives anyone 75 or older a gun (Part G) and one bullet. You
   may then shoot one worthless politician.

   This means you will be sent to prison for the rest of your life where you
  will receive three meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating and air
   conditioning, cable TV, a library, and all the health care you need.

   Need new teeth?  No problem. Need glasses? That's great. Need a
   hearing aid, new hip, knees, kidney, lungs, sex change, or heart?

   They are all covered!

   As an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you at least as
   often as they do now!

   And, who will be paying for all of this? The same government that
   just told you they can't afford for you to go into a nursing home.

   And you will get rid of a useless politician while you are at it.

   And now, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any more
   income taxes!

   Is this a great country or what?

   Now that you have solved your senior Long-Term Care problem, go
   enjoy the week!

An atheist was walking through the woods.

“What majestic trees!”

“What powerful rivers!”

“What beautiful animals!”, he said to himself.

But as he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.

He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He looked over his shoulder again, the bear was even closer!

He tripped and fell on the ground.

He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him!

At that very moment, the Atheist cried out:

'Oh my God!'

Time stopped.

The bear froze.

The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came from out of the sky.

“You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to a cosmic accident.”, said God, “Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?”

The atheist looked directly into the light, and said: “It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?”

“Very well”, said the God.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke:

“Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from Thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.”

The receptionist

    A Snotty Receptionist



Yesterday I had an appointment to see the urologist for a prostate exam. Of course I was a bit on edge because all my friends have either gone under the knife or had those pellets implanted.

The waiting room was filled with patients.

As I approached the receptionist’s desk, I noticed that she was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler.

I gave her my name, and in a very loud voice, she said,
“YES, I HAVE YOU NAME HERE. YOU WANT TO SEE THE
DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at me, a now very embarrassed man. But as usual, I recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,

“NO, I’VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE
OPERATION, BUT I DON’T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR
THAT DID YOURS.”

The room erupted in applause!

Some warm and fuzzy nostalgia about Bob Hope - think you will all enjoy -

Too bad that we don’t have at least one comedian in this screwed up world today. maybe it would help overcome all the clowns we have running our glorious government.

I’ve seen this before but enjoyed seeing it again.

---On his death bed they asked him where he wanted to be buried and he said. "Surprise me."

I had forgotten that he lived to be 100, and also didn't realize it has been over 10 years since he died.

Always enjoyed him, his movies, and his show. He touched a lot of lives during his life. Thought you might enjoy a bit of memory touching, so sent it along to you. Enjoy and recall a neat comedian.

BOB HOPE IN HEAVEN
For those of you too young to remember Bob Hope, ask your Grandparents and thanks for the memories.

ON TURNING 70
'I still chase women, but only downhill.'

ON TURNING 80
'That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing.'

ON TURNING 90
'You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.'

ON TURNING 100
'I don't feel old. In fact, I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.'

ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING
'I ruined my hands in the ring. The referee kept stepping on them.'

ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR
'Welcome to the Academy Awards, or, as it's called at my home, 'Passover.'

ON GOLF
'Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees.'

ON PRESIDENTS
'I have performed for 12 presidents but entertained only six.'

ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER
'When I was born, the doctor said to my mother,
Congratulations, you have an eight pound ham.'

ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL
'I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it.'

ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY
'Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother.'

ON HIS SIX BROTHERS
'That's how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom.'

ON HIS EARLY FAILURES
'I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me.'

ON GOING TO HEAVEN
'I've done benefits for ALL religions. I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.'

Ramblings of a Retired Mind…

I found this timely, because today I was in a store that sells sunglasses, and only sunglasses. A young lady walks over to me and asks, "what brings you in today?"

I looked at her, and said, I'm interested in buying a refrigerator. She didn't quite know how to respond. Am I getting to be that age?

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can't afford one. So I'm wearing my garage door opener.

You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans! Great Idea....

I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is when you still have something on the ball but you are just too tired to bounce it.

I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age and call it 'Pumping Rust'.

When people see a cat's litter box they always say, 'Oh, have you got a cat?'
Just once I want to say, 'No, it's for company!' Ha Ha I’d like to do that.

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be called in case of an emergency.
I think you should write, 'An ambulance.' Duh!

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older.
Then it dawned on me. They were cramming for their finals. Ha Ha Sounds like me .... ha ha

As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.

Birds of a feather flock together and then crap on your car.

The older you get the tougher it is to lose weight because by then your body
and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he or she can tell when Their really in trouble..

Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells 'Theirs...'

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

Some people try to turn back their "odometers." Not me. I want people to know 'why' I look this way.
I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

Ah! Being young is beautiful but being old is comfortable.

Lord, Keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth.

Random thoughts as we age

The biggest lie I tell myself is ..."I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."

Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes and come out wrinkle-free
and three sizes smaller!

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet!

I don't trip over things, I do random gravity checks!

I don't need anger management. I need people to stop making me mad!

Old age is coming at a really bad time!

Lord grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change
the things I can & the friends to post my bail when I finally snap!

I don't have gray hair. I have "wisdom highlights." I'm just very wise.

My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance to idiots that needs work.

Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a piece of paper.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my knees.

The kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please. I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes".

I'm going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I'll do that second week.

Even duct tape can't fix stupid ... but it can muffle the sound!

Why do I have to press one for English when you're just gonna transfer me to someone
I can't understand anyway?

Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.

Oops! Did I roll my eyes out loud?

At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came there for.

Chocolate comes from cocoa which is a tree ... that makes it a plant which means ... chocolate is salad!!!

And, of course… Have I sent this to you already… or did you send this to me?

'The Origin of the White Wedding Dress'

IT TOOK A VERY BRAVE MAN TO WRITE THIS....

IT TAKES AN EVEN BRAVER ONE TO FORWARD IT....!!


A son asked his mother the following question:

'Mom, why are wedding dresses white?' The mother looks at her son and replies:

'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.'

The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.

'Dad why are wedding dresses white?'

The father looks at his son in surprise and says:

'Son, all household appliances come in white.'

The husband is still in intensive care and the prognosis is not good.

Crows vs. Cars or Trucks

Facts You May NOT Know About Crows...

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.

A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.

However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws.

By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car. MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.

He very quickly concluded the cause: When crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.

They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Truck."

Two  women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and  the other,  a Chihuahua .

As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman  said to her friend, "Let's go over to that bar for a drink."

The  lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there.  We've got dogs with us."

The one with the Doberman said, "Just watch, and do as I do."

They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in.

The bouncer at the door said,  "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."

The woman  with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my  seeing-eye dog."

The bouncer said, "A Doberman?"

The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."
The bouncer said, "OK, come on in."

The lady  with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a Chihuahua was a  seeing-eye dog may be a bit more difficult, but thought, "What the heck," so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in.

Once  again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."  
 
The  woman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye  dog"

The  bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"

The woman  with the Chihuahua said, ........

"A  Chihuahua ? They gave me a fucking Chihuahua ?!"

Travel plans for next year

I’ve been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone else.

I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there. I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I’ve made several trips there, thanks to my children, friends, family, and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not much on physical activity anymore. I have also been in Doubt. That’s a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.

I've been in Flexible, too, but only when it was very important to stand firm. Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

I may have been in Continent, but I don't remember what country I was in. It's an age thing. They tell me it’s very wet and damp there.


PLEASE DO YOUR PART! You can do your bit by remembering to send this e-mail to at least one unstable person. My job is done! Life is too short for negative drama and petty things. So laugh insanely, love truly and forgive quickly! From one unstable person to another: I hope everyone is happy in your head - we're all doing pretty well in mine!

These are like the ten commandments to follow in life all the time.

1. Prayer is not a "spare wheel" that you pull out when in trouble, but it is a "steering wheel" that directs the right path throughout.

2. So why is a car's windshield so large and the rear view mirror so small? Because our past is not as important as our future.

So, look ahead and move on.

3. Friendship is like a book. It takes few seconds to burn, but it takes years to write.

4. All things in life are temporary. If it’s going well, enjoy it, that won't last long. If it’s going badly, don't worry, that won't last long either.

5. Old friends are gold! New friends are diamond! If you get a diamond, don't forget the gold! Because to hold a diamond, you always need a base of gold!

6. Often when we lose hope and think this is the end, God smiles from above and says, "Relax, sweetheart, it's just a bend, not the end!"

7. When God solves your problems, you have faith in His abilities; when God doesn't solve your problems, He has faith in your abilities.

8. A blind person asked St. Anthony, "Can there be anything worse than losing eye sight?" He replied, "Yes, losing your vision!"

9. When you pray for others, God listens to you and blesses them; sometimes, when you are safe and happy, remember that someone has prayed for you.

10. Worrying does not take away tomorrow's troubles, it takes away today's peace .

ARE WE THE ONES WITH DEMENTIA
OR ARE WE THE ONES WHO ARE AGING??

ONE
Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could order
6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets.

I asked for a half dozen nuggets.

'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the teenager at the counter.

'You don't?' I replied.

'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply.

'So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?'

'That's right,' said the teenager.

So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets

(Unbelievable, but sadly true...)

(Must have been the same one I asked for sweetener and she said they didn't have any,
only Splenda and sugar.

TWO
I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind
me put her things on the belt close to mine.

I picked up one of those dividers that they keep by the cash register and placed
it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed.

After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the divider, looking it all over
for the bar code so she could scan it

Not finding the bar code, she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is?

I said to her 'I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy that today. She said 'OK,' and
I paid her for the things and left.

She had no clue to what had just happened

(But the lady behind me had a big smile on her face as I left)


THREE
A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly.

When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM thingy.
(Keep shuddering!!)

FOUR
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. 'Do you need some help?' I asked.

She replied, 'I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door un-locker.
Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this ??

'Hmm, I don't know. Do you have an alarm on your car?', I asked.

'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered, handing it and the car keys to me.

As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, 'Why don't you drive
over there and check about the batteries. It's a long way to walk....'


PLEASE
just lay down before you hurt yourself !!!


FIVE
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?'

'Just use paper from the photocopier', the secretary told her

With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.

Brunette, by the way!!


Life is tough.
It's even tougher when you're Stupid !!!


Someone had to remind me, so I'm reminding you too.

Don't laugh .... it is all true .......

Skinny Dipping...

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back that was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple, and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond and look it over, as he hadn't been there for a while.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned. 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.' Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'


Some old men can still think fast.

An elderly lady was invited to an old friend’s home for dinner one evening. She was impressed by the way her friend preceded every request to her husband with endearing terms such as Honey, My Love, Darling and Sweetheart. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.

While the husband was in the living room, the lady leaned over to her friend and said, "I think it's wonderful that after all these years you still call your husband those loving names."

Her elderly friend hung her head. "I have to tell you the truth," she said, "his name slipped my mind about 10 years ago, and I'm scared to death to ask the cranky old asshole what it is."

A RETIREE'S LAST TRIP TO PUBLIX

Yesterday I was at the Villages Publix buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Owen, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had—an elephant?

So, because I am retired and have little to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I did not have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably should not, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete, (certified), so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I had stopped to pee on a fire hydrant and a car hit me..

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. Publix will not let me shop there anymore. Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the World to think of crazy things to say.

Dating Ads for Seniors found in a Florida Newspaper.

You can say what you want about Florida, but you never hear of
Anyone retiring and moving north. These are actual ads seen in
''The Villages'' Florida newspaper. (Who says seniors don't have
A sense of humor?)

FOXY LADY :
Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty,
80's, slim, 5'4' (used to be 5'6'),
Searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion.
Matching white shoes and belt a plus.

----------------------------------------------------
LONG-TERM COMMITMENT :
Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband,
Looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness,
Fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.

----------------------------------------------------
SERENITY NOW :
I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and
Meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together,
Take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.

----------------------------------------------------
WINNING SMILE :
Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flossier
To share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.

----------------------------------------------------
BEATLES OR STONES ?
I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on
Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar.
If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen,
let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.

----------------------------------------------------
MEMORIES :
I can usually remember Monday through Thursday.
If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday,
let's put our two heads together.
----------------------------------------------------
My favorite…

MINT CONDITION :
Male, 1932 model, high mileage, good condition, some hair,
Many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves.
Isn't in running condition, but walks well.

Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many.

I was at my favourite bar on the ship the other night and heard three girls
with an overabundance of flesh, having a conversation.

Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so being the friendly type, I
approached and asked, "Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland ?"

One of them screeched, "It's WALES , you bloody idiot!"

So I apologized and replied,

"I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland ?"

And...that's the last thing I remember....