The Humor Train

How to raise a Jewish dog

Morty visits Dr. Saul, the veterinarian, and says, "My dog has a problem. ”

Dr. Saul says, "So, tell me about the dog and the problem. ”

"It's a Jewish dog. His name is Seth and he can talk," says Morty.

"He can talk?" the doubting doctor asks.

"Watch this!" Morty points to the dog and commands: " Seth, Fetch!"

Seth the dog, begins to walk toward the door, then turns around and says, "So why are you talking to me like that? You always order me around like I'm nothing.

And you only call me when you want something. And then you make me sleep on the floor, with my arthritis.

You give me this fahkahkta food with all the salt and fat, and you tell me it's a special diet.It tastes like dreck! YOU should eat it yourself!

And do you ever take me for a decent walk? NO, it's out of the house, a short pish, and right back home.

Maybe if I could stretch out a little, the sciatica wouldn't kill me so much! I should roll over and play dead for real for all you care!"

Dr. Saul is amazed, "This is remarkable! So, what's the problem?"

Morty says, "He has a hearing problem! I said 'Fetch,' not 'Kvetch.

And then the fight started


*****

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And then the fight started...

*****

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my
Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too'

And then the fight started.....

*****

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started.....

*****

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.

*****

Hebronics

The New York City Public Schools have officially declared Jewish English, now dubbed Hebronics, as a second language.  

Backers of the move say the city schools are the first in the nation to recognize Hebronics as a valid language and a significant attribute of American culture. According to Howard Ashland, linguistics professor at Brooklyn College and renowned Hebronics scholar, the sentence structure of Hebonics derives from middle and eastern European language patterns, as well as Yiddish.

Professor Shulman explains, "In Hebronics, the response to any question is usually another
question with a complaint that is either implied or stated. Thus 'How are you?' may be answered,
'How should I be, with my bad feet?'

Shulman says that Hebronics is a superb linguistic vehicle for expressing sarcasm or skepticism. An example is the repetition of a word with "sh" or "shm" at the beginning: "Mountains, shmountains. Stay away. You should want a nosebleed?"

Another Hebronics pattern is moving the subject of a sentence to the end, with its pronoun at the beginning: "It's beautiful, that dress." Shulman says one also sees the Hebronics verb moved to the end of the sentence. Thus the response to a remark such as "He's slow as a turtle," could be: "Turtle, shmurtle! Like a fly in Vaseline he walks."


Shulman provided the following examples from his best-selling textbook, Switched-On Hebronics:

Question: "What time is it?"
English answer: "Sorry, I don't know."
Hebronic response: "What am I, a clock?"

Remark: "I hope things turn out okay."
English answer: "Thanks."
Hebronic response: "I should be so lucky!"

Remark: "Hurry up. Dinner's ready."
English answer: "Be right there."
Hebronic response: "Alright already, I'm coming. What's with the 'Hurry up? Is there a fire?"

Remark: "I like the tie you gave me; I wear it all the time."
English answer: "Glad you like it."
Hebronic response: "So what's the matter; you don't like the other ties I gave you?"

Remark: "Sarah and I are engaged."
English answer: "Congratulations!"
Hebronic response: "She could stand to lose a few pounds."

Question: "Would you like to go riding with us?"
English answer: "Just say when."
Hebronic response: "Riding, shmiding! Do I look like a cowboy?"

To the guest of honor at a birthday party:
English statement: "Happy birthday."
Hebronic statement: "A year smarter you should become."

Remark: "A beautiful day."
English answer: "Sure is."
Hebronic response: "So the sun is out; what else is new?"

Answering a phone call from a son:
English answer: "It's been a while since you called."
Hebronic response: "You didn't wonder if I'm dead already?"


Email, shmemail! Luck and happiness will... or will not come to you regardless if you send it to another eight people!! You should be so lucky!

I don't get it ^^^

Temple wrote:

I don't get it ^^^

Wilford Brimley promoted diabetes education.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wilford_Brimley

My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.

I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting larger. Then it hit me.

Why did the old man fall in the well? Because he couldn't see that well.

I ate a clock yesterday, it was very time consuming.

Whatdya call a frenchman wearing sandals? Phillipe Phillope.

A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair.

I know a lot of jokes about unemployed people but none of them work.

What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.

Did you hear about the italian chef that died? He pasta way.

Why couldn't the bicycle stand up? Because it was two tired!

Parallel lines have so much in common. It’s a shame they’ll never meet.

My wife accused me of being immature. I told her to get out of my fort.

Where do you find a cow with no legs? Right where you left it.

When a deaf person sees someone yawn do they think it’s a scream?

Three young boys were arguing about whose dad was the tallest

The first says "my dad's so tall, he works for the power companies, replacing burnt bulbs from the light poles, he doesn't need ladders or cherrypickers "

The second one goes "that's nothing, my dad's so tall, when the sky's dark, he touches the inside of the clouds to feel if they were wet. if they are, he tells my mom to close the windows"

And the third one asks "And when your dad touches the clouds, does he feel something squishy and warm there sometimes?"

And the second says "yes, he says he does!"

And the third "Well, those are my dad's balls!"

An old man enters a whore house.

The madam sees this bent over man inching forward using his cane and approaches him. She says "Old man. What are you doing here?"

He slowly reaches into his pocket and pulls out a wad of hundred dollar bills. He says "I want your youngest most beautiful woman."

The madam says "Old man you are wasting your time and money. You can't even get it up."

He says "It's my money and I'll spend it any way I want."

She agrees and sets him up.

The young prostitute leads him to a room, being careful to walk slowly so the old man can keep up. They enter the room and she closes the door.

He says "Take your clothes off and get in the bed."

Meanwhile he sets the cane aside and very slowly starts taking off his shoes and clothing. He places a condom on the edge of the bed. Then he pulls out a wad of cotton from another pocket and proceeds to start stuffing the cotton into his nostrils.

The prostitute says "Old man. What the hell are you doing now? You are wasting my time."

As he begins to stuff more cotton into his ears he says "Woman. There are two things in this world I just can't stand, the sound of a screaming woman and the smell of burning rubber."

A child asked his father, "How were people born?"

So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on."

The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now."

The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!"

His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

Mr. and Mrs. Brown had two sons. One was named Mind Your Own Business & the other was named Trouble.

One day the two boys decided to play hide and seek. Trouble hid while Mind Your Own Business counted to one hundred.

Mind Your Own Business began looking for his brother behind garbage cans and bushes.

Then he started looking in and under cars until a police man approached him and asked, "What are you doing?"

"Playing a game," the boy replied.

"What is your name?" the officer questioned. "Mind Your Own Business."

Furious the policeman inquired, "Are you looking for trouble?!"

The boy replied, "Why, yes."

An elderly couple are in church.

The wife leans over and whispers to her husband, "I just let out a long, silent fart. What should I do?"

The husband replies, "First off, replace the batteries in your hearing aid!"

There was an elderly couple who in their old age noticed that they were getting a lot more forgetful, so they decided to go to the doctor.

The doctor told them that they should start writing things down so they don't forget.

They went home and the old lady told her husband to get her a bowl of ice cream. "You might want to write it down," she said.

The husband said, "No, I can remember that you want a bowl of ice cream."

She then told her husband she wanted a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream. "Write it down," she told him, and again he said, "No, no, I can remember: you want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream."

Then the old lady said she wants a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top. "Write it down," she told her husband and again he said, "No, I got it. You want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top."

So he goes to get the ice cream and spends an unusually long time in the kitchen, over 30 minutes. He comes out to his wife and hands her a plate of eggs and bacon.

The old wife stares at the plate for a moment, then looks at her husband and asks, "Where's the toast?"