The Humor Train

A teacher asked her class what they need at home.

Joey says "a computer"
The teacher replies "That would be useful."

Jenny says "A new lawnmower."
The teacher again replies "That would also useful."

Little Johnny pops up and says "We don't need anything."
The teacher asks him to think again, everybody needs something.

Little Johnny replies "No I'm sure we don't. When Mr. Biden was elected I clearly remember my dad saying "Well that's the last **** thing we need."

A Russian immigrant arrives one morning in New York City.

He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. American for letting me come into this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and a free education!”

The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am a Mexican and here illegally.”

The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America."

The person says, "I not American, I Vietnamese and here on a Green Card that expired two years ago.”

The new arrival walks farther and stops the next person he sees, then shaking his hand, and says, "Thank you for wonderful America!"

That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East. I am not American. It was easy to get here via Arizona.”

I recently spent $6,500 on this registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow.

I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth.

Anyway...I had the Vet come and take a look at him.

He said, 'The bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young.'

So he gave me some pills to feed him once per day.

The bull started to service the cows within two days…all my cows!

He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbor's cows! He's like a machine!

I don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him... but they kind of taste like peppermint.

A woman arrived at a party. While scanning the guests, she spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him, smiled and said, "Hello, my name is Carmen."

"That's a beautiful name", he replied. "Is it a family name?"

"No", she replied, "As a matter of fact, I chose it myself. It represents the things that I enjoy the most, cars and men. What's your name?", she asked.

After a moment, he answered, "B.J. Titsangolf."

oliver clotheshoffe wrote:

TWAP and Louie were talking one day...

TWAP says to Louie “My birthday was yesterday. The wife gave me an SUV”.

Louie says “Wow, that’s amazing!!…..Imagine, an SUV!!.. What a great gift!”

TWAP says “Yup !!…. Socks, Underwear and V*i*a*g*r*a!”

My ex-wife did give me a pair of socks once. An uppercut, and a right cross.

A women's genitals are a lot like the roof of a shed.


If you don't nail it hard enough, it'll end up next door.

A man goes to a bar and orders drink after drink.

"Is everything OK, pal?" the bartender asks.

"My wife and I got into an argument and she isn't talking to me for a month" the man says.

Trying to put a positive spin on things the bartender says "Well maybe it's a good thing. You know, a little peace and quiet?"

"Yea I know", replies the man, "but today's the last day".

Man walks into a bar, there's a robot bartender.

The robot says, "What will you have?"

The guy says, "Martini."

The robot brings back the best martini ever and says to the man, "Hey… What's your IQ?"

The guy says, "168."

The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration, and medical technology.

The guy leaves, but he is curious. So he goes back into the bar.

The robot bartender says, "What will you have?"

The guy says, "Whisky."

The robot gives it to the man and says, "Hey… What's your IQ?"

The guy says, "100."

The robot then starts to talk about NASCAR, the NFL, and John Deere tractors.

The guy leaves but finds it all so fascinating that he goes back one more time.

The robot says, "What will you have?"

The guy says, "Beer," the robot serves it to him, then says, "Hey…What's your IQ?"

The guy says, "Uh, about 50."

The robot leans in real close and says, “Isn’t it terrible the way Biden stole the election?"

Two beggars were sitting side-by-side on a street in Rome. One has a cross in front of him; the other one, the Star of David. Many people go by and look at both beggars, but put money only in the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross.The Pope comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar behind the cross, but giving none to the beggar sitting behind the Star of David.

Finally, the Pope goes over the beggar behind the Star of David and says, "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who has a cross in front of him. In fact, they would probably give money to him just out of spite."

The beggar behind the Star of David listened to the Pope, turned to the other beggar with the cross and said, "Moishe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing."

Two old guys are pushing their carts around Walmart when they collide…

The first old guy says to the second guy,

‘Sorry about that. I’m looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going.’

The second old guy says,

‘That’s OK, it’s a coincidence. I’m looking for my wife, too. I can’t find her and I’m getting a little desperate.’

The first old guy says, ‘Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does she look like?’

‘ The second old guy says, ‘Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, and is wearing short shorts.

What does your wife look like?’

To which the first old guy says, ‘Doesn’t matter, let’s look for yours...’

A little boy comes down for breakfast and his mother asks if he had done his chores. “Not yet,” says the little boy.

His mother tells him that until he completes them, he won’t be getting any breakfast.

Well, he’s a little angry, so he goes to feed the chickens and kicks one. He goes to feed the cows and kicks a cow as well. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

“How come I don’t get any eggs and bacon? Why don’t I have any milk in my cereal?” he asks.

“Well,” his mother says, “I saw you kick a chicken, so you don’t get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don’t get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren’t getting any milk.”

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile and says, “Are you going to tell him, or shall I???”

A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Larry says: "I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane."

The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Larry, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson.

"And how about you, Sarah?"

"I wanna be Larry’s whore…."

My wife got so mad at me last night she packed my bags and told me to get out.

As I headed out the door, she said: "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death."

I said," So you want me to stay then?"

The owner of a drugstore arrives at work to find a man leaning heavily against a wall. The owner goes inside and asks his clerk what’s up.

"He wanted something for his cough, but I couldn’t find the cough syrup," the clerk explains, "So I gave him a laxative and told him to take it all at once."

"Laxatives won’t cure a cough, you idiot!" the owner shouts angrily.

"Sure it will," the clerk says, pointing at the man leaning on the wall, "Look at him, he’s afraid to cough."

A man went to the hospital to visit his mother-in-law, who was in serious condition. On the way back the wife, very worried, asks: “So, honey? How’s my mom doing?”

He replies: “She looks great! She is in good health! She will still live for many years! Next week she will be released from the hospital and will come and live with us, forever!”

“Wow that’s amazing!” – says the wife – “But this is very strange, dear… yesterday she seemed to be on her deathbed, the doctors said she only had a few days to live!”

“Well, I don’t know how she was yesterday” – he replied – “But today when I arrived at the hospital, the doctor told me that we should prepare for the worst.”

A guy calls his wife from the emergency room. He tells her that his finger was cut off at the construction site where he had been working that day.

"Oh no!", cries the woman, "The whole finger?"

"No, thankfully", he replies, "The one next to it."

A man asked his wife what she’d like for her birthday. “I’d love to be six again,” she replied.

On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear, everything there was! Wow!

Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald’s they went, where her husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, soda, and M&Ms. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, “Well, dear, what was it like being six again?”

One eye opened. “You idiot, I meant my dress size.”

The moral of this story: Even when the man is listening, she'll still find a way for him to get it wrong.

While in China an American man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his **** covered with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, “I’ve got bad news for you, you’ve contracted Mongolian VD. It’s very rare and almost unheard of here in the US , we know very little about it.”

The man looks a little perplexed and says, “Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.”

The doctor answers, “I’m sorry, there's no known cure. We’re going to have to amputate your ****.”

The man screams in horror, “Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!!!”

The doctor replies, “Well, it’s your choice. Go ahead, if you want but surgery is your only option.”

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he’ll know more about the disease.

The Chinese doctor examines his **** and proclaims, “Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Very rare disease.”

The guy says to the doctor, “Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to cut off my ****!”

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. “Stupid American doctors, always want to amputate. Make more money that way. No need to amputate!”

“Oh, thank God!” the man exclaims.

“Yes,” says the Chinese doctor. “Wait two weeks. Fall off by itself!”

My wife said I make love like a machine.

I asked her "Which machine?"

She said "A two-stroke engine"

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple’s house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two elderly gentlemen were talking, and one said, “Last night we went out to a new restaurant, and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.”

The other man said, “What is the name of the restaurant?”

The first man thought and thought and finally said, “What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know… the one that is red and has thorns.”

“Do you mean a rose?”

“Yes,” the man said. He turned toward the kitchen and yelled, “Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?”

Difference between men and women...


Men are like blizzards. You never know how many inches you're going to get, or how long they'll last.

Women are like hurricanes. At first, they're all wet n wild, but when they leave, they take half your house.

A married woman is in bed with her husband's best friend when the phone suddenly rings.

As she puts the phone down the man asks, "Well who was that?"

She tells him, "That was my husband."

The man has a look of panic on his face and says, "Oh ****, is he coming home!?"

She tells him, "Don't worry, he said he'll be at the bar with you for a couple more hours."