The Humor Train

Little Durwood wakes up three nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents bedroom. Finally, one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noise and when I look in you're bouncing up and down on him."

Startled by the question, Mom quickly regather her composure and replied. "Well, I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that will help make him thin again."

"That won't work”, says little Durwood.

Mommy queries, "Why?"

"Because that lady next door comes over after you leave each day and blows him back up!"

A lady arrived at the hospital about to give birth to twins. Her husband was out of the country and couldn't be there so she had to have her brother, not too bright, take her.

Right after giving birth there were complications and she went into a coma.

A couple of days later when she came to of the coma she asked the Doctor about her babies.

He said they were fine. He told her they had to name the babies and they couldn't get in touch with the father so they had her brother name them.

She knew her brother was not too bright and she had to talk to him to make sure he didn't mess things up. When he came in she asked about the twins.

The first one was a girl, he said. She asked what he named her. He told her Denise.

She thought, that's not too bad. I kind of like it. She asked about the second baby.

He said that one was a boy.

She asked, what did you name him? He said DeNephew.

Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, “How many of you have forgiven your enemies?”

Eighty percent of the congregation held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question.

All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.

“Mrs. Neely? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?”

“I don't have any,” she replied, smiling sweetly.

“Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you?”

“Ninety-eight.”

“Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years, yet not have an enemy in the world?”

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said, “I've outlived the bitches.”

1. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

2. A will is a dead giveaway.

3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

4. A backward poet writes inverse.

5. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

6. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

7. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

8. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

9. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

10. A calendar's days are numbered.

11. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

12. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

13. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large.

14. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

15. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

16. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.

17. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

18. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

19. Acupuncture: a jab well done.

20. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.

21. The roundest knight at king Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

22. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

23. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

24. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

25. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

26. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

27. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

28. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

29. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

30. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

31. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

32. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said 'No change yet.'

33. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

34. Don't join dangerous cults: practice safe sects.

A Buddhist walks up to a hotdog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

I used a cast iron corn bread skillet to make brownies.

Dunno why no one will eat them..

A husband and wife were driving through Louisiana.

As they approached Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town.

They argued back and forth, then they stopped for lunch.

At the counter, the husband asked the blonde waitress, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are very slowly?"

She leaned over the counter and said, "Burrr-gerrr Kiiing"

Oranges.....

Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know.

One day, the police raided the brothel and took all the girls outside
and made them line up.

By chance, Lulu's grandma came by.

Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?"

Not willing to let her grandma know the truth, Lulu told her that the
police were passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for
some.

"Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself,"
Grandma said, and she proceeded to the back of the line.

A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all
the prostitutes.

When he got to grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, "Wow,
still going at it at your age? How do you do it old girl?"

Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out,
rip the skin back and suck 'em' dry."

The policeman fainted!!

Bumper sticker on parked car in Florida ..

"I MISS CHICAGO." ..

.. so someone broke window/stole the radio/shot out all 4 tires .. added an Biden/Kamala BUMPER sticker and left a note that read .. "HOPE THIS HELPS"

Five surgeons were talking about the best patients...

First surgeon says, "Accountants are the best to operate on because when you open them up, everything on the inside is numbered."

Second surgeon says, "Nah - librarians are the best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

Third surgeon responds, "Try electricians, man! Everything inside them is color coded!"

Fourth surgeon intercedes," I prefer lawyers.They're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and butts are interchangeable."

To which the fifth surgeon, who has been quietly listening to the conversation, says, "I like engineers. They always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end."