The Humor Train

Two old men are chatting at the local coffee shop early one morning.

Bill asks Herb, "So, are you working now?"

Herb replies, "Yes I am, In fact I am my wife's sexual advisor."

"What?" Bill says quizzically. "What do you mean you are her sexual advisor?"

"Well," says Herb, "She told me that when she wants my fucking advice, she'll ask for it."

A man who lost his hat decided the easiest way to replace it was to steal one.

So he goes to the local church in search of a hat. A sermon about the ten commandments was going on as he made his way to the cloakroom. He stopped, thought for a moment, and changed his mind.

Upon seeing the pastor, the man walks up to him and says, "Father, I must say, your sermon saved me from doing something wrong. I came here with sin in my heart, but your sermon showed me the error of my ways."

Upon hearing this, the pastor congratulates him and asks him what specifically made him change his mind, to which the man replies, "You see, I lost my hat and came here to steal one from the cloakroom. But when you got to the 'Thou shalt not commit adultery' part, I suddenly remembered where I left my hat."

Bill went into his 12 year olds son Tony's bedroom the other day and saw that he had a 42-inch plasma TV. So when Tony got home from school that day, Bill questioned him.

"Son, where did you get the TV? Did you steal it?" Bill asked.

"No, Dad," replied Tony. "I didn't steal it. I bought it."

"Really?" Bill questioned. "Where did you get the money? Are you dealing drugs? I know you don't have a job."

"Of course not," Tony answered. "I saved up my hiking money."

"Your hiking money? What in the world is hiking money?"

"Well," said Tony, "Whenever you're gone and mom is here alone Uncle Bob comes over, gives me a twenty and tells me to take a hike."

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Miami, are all excited about their decision to get married.

They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:"Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course, we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, Arthritis and Alzheimer's?"

Pharmacist:"Yes, a large variety. The Works."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"

Pharmacist: "We sure do."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."

My son asked me today, “Dad, when was the first time you fell in love?”

I said, “I was 22. I walked into a bar and spotted the most beautiful woman I’d ever seen. Cupid fired his arrow the second I saw her.”

He asked, “So what happened?”

I said, “Nothing. Unfortunately the arrow missed and hit your mother.”

An old lady sits on her front porch, rocking away the last days of her long life, when all of a sudden, a fairy godmother appears and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.

"Well, now," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really rich."

POOF

Her rocking chair turns to solid gold.

"And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess."

POOF

She turns into a beautiful young woman.

"Your third wish?" asks the fairy godmother.

Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them. "Ooh - can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks.

POOF

There before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine.

She stares at him, smitten.

With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear, "Bet you're sorry you had me neutered."

WARNING FOR ALL MALES FROM ME when buying a security device for a loved one.

Last weekend I saw something at The Gun Show that sparked my interest. I was looking for a little something different for my wife Dana. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.

The effects of the Taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse effect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??

WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home..

I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing!

I was disappointed I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Dana what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Leo looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Leo (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. He is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a singlet with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Taser in another.

The directions said that:
a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;
a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and
a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, the cat looking on with his head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!! I AM CERTAIN I JUST MET JESUS!!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note:
If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Taser,
one note of caution:

There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!

A three second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.
·
My bent reading glasses were on the top of the TV.
·
The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.

My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.

My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.

I had no control over the drooling.
·
Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.
·
I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.

I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

Little Johnny was making faces at others on the playground when Mrs. Smith stopped to gently reprimand the young boy.

Smiling sweetly, Mrs. Smith said, "Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told that if I made ugly faces at others, it would freeze and stay like that forever."

Little Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Mrs. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."

Suddenly a cow runs out into the road, a car driving late at night hits it head on, and the car comes to a stop.

Nancy, in her usual charming manner, says to the chauffeur, "You get out and check on that poor cow. You were driving."

So the chauffeur gets out, checks, and reports that the animal is dead but it appeared to be very old.

"Well," says Nancy, "You were driving, so you go and tell the farmer in that lighted farmhouse over there."

Two hours later the chauffeur returns totally inebriated, a full belly, his hair ruffled, with a big grin on his face.

"My God, what happened to you?" asks Nancy.

The chauffeur replies, "When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of single malt Scotch, the wife gave me a meal fit for a king, and the daughter made love to me."

”What on earth did you say?" asks Nancy.

"Well, I just knocked on the door...and when it opened I said to them, 'I'm Nancy Pelosi's chauffeur, and I've just killed the old cow.'"

Random Thoughts As We Age...

Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes; come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller!

I don't need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off.

Old age is coming at a really bad time!

When I was a child I thought Nap Time was a punishment ... now, as a grown up, it just feels like a small vacation!

The biggest lie I tell myself is ... "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."

I don't have gray hair. I have "wisdom highlights". I'm just very wise.

My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance to idiots that needs work.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my knees.

The kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please. I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes".

I've lost my mind and I'm pretty sure my wife took it!

Even duct tape can't fix stupid ... but it can muffle the sound!

Why do I have to press one for English when you're just gonna transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?

Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.

At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.

A Mexican, an Arab, and an Arizona girl are in the same bar.

When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In Mexico , our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.'

The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks non-alcoholic beer (cuz he's a Muslim!), throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.'

The Arizona girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab. Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says, 'In Arizona, we have so many illegal aliens that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.'