The Humor Train

The Eternal Optimist

Three friends had a good friend named Joe and he was, naturally, an eternal optimist. At every bad situation he would always say ''It could have been worse.'' His friends hated that quality about him, so they came up with a story so horrible that not even Joe could come up with a bright side. So the next day, only two of his friends showed up for a golf date.

Joe asked, ''Where's Gary?''

And one of his friends said, ''Didn't you hear? Yesterday, Gary found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned the gun on himself.''

Joe says,' 'Well it could have been worse.''

Both his friends said, ''How in hell could it be worse? Your best friend just killed himself!''

Joe says, ''If it happened two days ago I would have been shot!''

This woman's husband says, "You know what? You have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there.

"When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"

"What dear," she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I think you're bad luck!"

A secretary walked into her boss's office and said "I'm afraid I've got some bad news for you."

"Why do you always have to give me bad news?" he complained. "Tell me some good news for once."

"Alright, here's some good news," said the secretary. "You're not sterile."

A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi," the man said, "My wife is poisoning me."

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"

The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me. What should I do?"

The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her. I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says. "I spoke to your wife… spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"

The man said yes and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison."

How does an attorney sleep?
First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other side

I have a few jokes about unemployed people,
but none of them work

How do you make holy water?
You boil the hell out of it

Will glass coffins be a success?
Remains to be seen

What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter **

Two windmills are standing in a wind farm.
One asks, “What’s your favorite kind of music?”
The other says, “I’m a big metal fan.”

Hear about the new restaurant called Karma?
There’s no menu - you get what you deserve

I went to buy some camouflage trousers yesterday
but couldn't find any

What do you call a bee that can’t make up its mind?
A maybe

I tried to sue the airline for losing my luggage.
I lost my case

When everything is coming your way,
you're in the wrong lane

A cross-eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils

She had a photographic memory but never developed it

Is it ignorance or apathy that's destroying the world today?
I don't know and don't really care

I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant,
but then I changed my mind

Which country’s capital has the fastest-growing population?
Ireland. Every day it’s Dublin.

My ex-wife still misses me.
But her aim is starting to improve

The guy who invented the door knocker got a no-bell prize

I saw an ad for burial plots, and I thought:
“That’s the last thing I need!”

Need an ark? I Noah guy

I used to think I was indecisive; now I'm not so sure

Sleeping comes so naturally to me,
I could do it with my eyes closed

What did the grape say when it got stepped on?
Nothing - but it let out a little whine

What do you call a super articulate dinosaur?
A Thesaurus

If Batman and Robin got run over by a steam roller, who would they be… Flat man & Ribbon….

What is the difference between the people of Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
The people of Dubai don't like the Flintstones, while the people of AbuDhabi do!

A young executive aspiring to reach the top had gone out and bought himself a fancy Audi R8. He picked it up one morning and wanted to show it off at the office to impress everyone.

He got a parking spot in front of his office tower in the loading zone and opened his door to get out of the car. At the same moment another car whipped past and caught the edge of his door ripping it from the car completely and it laid about 20 feet up the road from his car. He was visibly shaken and upset.

A policeman had been down the block and witnessed the whole thing so he rushed over and told the young man he would call an ambulance right away.

The young man threw his head back, rolling his eyes up and just said, "My car! I just got it this morning!"

The policeman shakes his head and says, "You youngsters today are so materialistic. You probably didn't even notice that when the other car ripped off your door it also ripped off your arm."

The youngster looks and sees his arm is gone, looks at the officer in shock and says, "Oh no! My Rolex!".

Of all the blonde jokes, this one has to be one of the best -- because it makes football make sense!

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game.

They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked it.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn’t understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was...'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!'

I'm like...Helloooooo?

It's only 25 cents!!!!"

A jewish man was about to die, so he instructed his offspring to put all the money he had in the coffin with him when he died.

A few weeks later, the eldest son, who was in charge of following his father's last wish, started buying a lot of stuff.

His younger siblings suspected that and asked him where the money was coming from.

He said "Papa had so much money, I couldn't put it all in the casket with him. So, I just wrote a check and left in there."

A politician who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the old saying, “You can’t take it with you.”

After much thought and consideration, the old numbers-manipulator finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died.

He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillowcases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed.

His plan: When he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven. Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased college professor’s wife, up in the attic cleaning, came upon the two forgotten pillowcases stuffed with cash.

“Oh, that old fool,” she said. “I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement.”

Mrs. Ravioli comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner.  He lives with a female roommate, Maria.

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate is.  

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye.  

Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Maria and I are just roommates.''

About a week later, Maria came to Anthony saying,“Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote an email:

Dear Mama,
I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house; I'm not saying that you "did not" take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Your Loving Son,
Anthony

A few days later, Anthony received a response email from his Mama which read:

Dear son,
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Maria, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.
Your Loving Mama

Moral:
Never Bulla Shita your Mama.

When you take your daughters fishing in Florida and they catch their first cocaine

A teacher walks up to the blackboard and writes DEFINITELY.

She turns to the class and says, "Today we'll be looking at the word 'definitely'. Definitely is when something is assured and there is no chance of doubt. Now, I want some volunteers to use definitely in a statement."

Little Suzy raises her hand and says, "I am definitely going to the park after school today."

"No, I would think there's a good chance you'll go to the park but it might rain so it's not definitely."

Little Billy raises his hand and says, "My team is definitely going to win the game this Saturday."

"No, I know you really want your team to win the game this Saturday but wanting is not enough to make it definitely."

Little Johnny raises his hand and says, "Miss, is there such a thing as a lumpy fart?"

"No."

"Then I definitely just shit myself."

A five year old boy comes to visit his grandparents and notices his grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocker, wearing only a shirt, naked from the waist down. "Grandpa, whatcha' doing? You're weenie's out and everybody can see!" he exclaimed.

Grandpa looked off in the distance, not answering.

"Grandpa, whatcha' doin' sitting out here with no pants on?" he asked again.

Grandpa looked at him and said, "Son, last week I sat here with no shirt on, Just watching the cars go by.... and I got a stiff neck. This is your Grandma's idea."

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain.

Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers.

'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'

The pharmacist fainted.

Police Officer O'Leary is cruising around in his patrol car one night. He's on the lookout for trouble. He sees two little old ladies in the front seat of a Chevrolet convertible, parked in a used car lot.

The car lot is closed so O'Leary drives up alongside the Chevy and asks, "Are you two ladies trying to steal this car?"

"Certainly not," says one of the ladies, "We purchased the car this afternoon."

"Well," says the cop, "Why don't you start it up and drive out of here?"

"We don't drive," replies the other little old lady. "And besides we are waiting".

"What are you waiting for?", asked the cop.

The old lady sitting in the drivers seat replies," We were told that if we ever bought a car from here we would get screwed."

89 year old Ron Chester was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night.

Ron replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"

Ron replied, "That would be my wife.

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.

She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand..

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.

Two o'clock and no hired hand.

Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her..

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."

He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks."

He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

A woman goes into a tattoo parlour and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh right up just below her bikini line. She also wants him to put "Happy Thanksgiving" under the turkey.

So the guy does it and it comes out looking real good.

The woman then instructs him to put a Santa Clause with "Merry Christmas" up on her left thigh. So the guy does it and it comes out looking good too.

As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist says "if you don't mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusal tattoos on your thighs?"

She says "I'm sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that there's nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas."

A Roman Catholic priest is on his way to Rome when he runs into an old childhood friend.

“My goodness, Mary!” He says. “How have you been?”

“Oh, could be better,” she says. “My husband and I have been trying to have children for five years, but we are barren.”

“I’m so sorry,” says the priest. “I’m on a pilgrimage to Rome, and I promise to light a candle for you in the great cathedral.”

Mary thanks him, and after chatting a little longer, they part ways.

Five years later, the priest is eating dinner when there’s a knock at his door. He opens it, and to his surprise, it’s Mary.

“I’m so glad I found you!” She exclaims. “Remember that candle you lit for me, years ago? Well, my husband and I now have a set of twins and a set of triplets — and I just found out I’m pregnant again!”

She then hands the priest an all-expenses paid ticket to Rome.

“Oh Mary!” Says the priest. “Your joy is my joy. You didn’t need to give me a thank-you gift.”

“Oh no, it’s not a thank you,” says Mary. “It’s so you can blow out that damn candle.”

A blind man goes to a restaurant. "Menu, sir?" asked the waiter.

"I'm blind", the man says. "Just bring me one of your dirty forks. I will smell it and order."

The confused waiter goes and gets a dirty fork.

The blind man smells the fork with a deep breath. "Ah, lamb with seasoned potatoes and spring vegetables. I'll have that". The waiter is impressed with his sense of smell.

2 weeks later, the blind man returned.

The waiter, wanting to see just how good his sense of smell was, quickly went to the kitchen where his wife Sarah was cooking. He said, "do me a favor and rub this fork on your pussy." which she does.

He then goes to the blind man and gives him the fork. The blind man takes it, puts it to his nose and says. "Oh interesting, I never knew Sarah worked here".

Three men are outside Heaven’s gate waiting to be go through to Heaven. The angel at the gate tells them “The length of time and your faithfulness to your last partner decides your way across the bridge to Heaven”.

The first guy says “I was with my wife for 5 years and cheated 3 times”. The angel gives him an old model pick up truck. The second guy says “11 years and only once” and is granted a Mercedes.

The last man says “20 years and not once , I loved her with all my heart” and with the angel impressed he gets a gold edition Lamborghini and sets off ahead of the other two men. Hours later the two men catch up to him crying behind the wheel and one says "Why are you crying?".

The guy looks up and says “I just went past my wife on a skateboard”.