The Humor Train

You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"

Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base.

They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.

The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel.

The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation. By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading and sent him on his way.

The day after that though, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again.

Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane...

Only this time there were two people on the plane.

The same pilot jumped out and said,

"Do anything you want to me, but my wife is on the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"

On the night of their honeymoon just before the passionate love making begins, the wife tells her new husband, "Please be gentle with me; I'm still a virgin."

"What?" he questions. "What do you mean, you're still a virgin? How can that be? You've been married three times before!"

"Well," she starts, "my first husband, he was a gynecologist, and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychologist, and all he wanted to do was talk about it. And my third husband was a stamp collector, and all he wanted to do was... Gosh, I really do miss him."

A young man was very excited because he just won a ticket to the Super Bowl. His excitement lessened as he realized his seat was in the back of the stadium.

As he searched the rows ahead of him for a better seat, he found an empty one right next to the field.

He approached the man sitting next to the empty seat and asked if it was taken.

The man replied, "No."

Amazed the young man asked, "How could someone pass up a seat like this?"

The older gentleman responded, "That's my wife's seat. We've been to every Super Bowl together since the day we were married but she has passed away."

"Oh, how sad," the man said. "I'm sorry to hear that, but couldn't you find a friend or relative to come with you?"

"No," the man said, "They're all at the funeral."

A man goes to a restaurant, is seated and given a menu.

A few minutes later the waitress comes with a glass of ice water and asks if he's ready to order.

He says, "Yes, I'd like a nice, thick, juicy steak done the same way I like my sex."

The waitress without skipping a beat says, "Oh. You like it very rare then."

A guy wants a divorce.

He tells the judge, “ I just can’t take it anymore. Every night she’s out until way after midnight, just going from bar to bar.”

Judge asks, “what’s she doing?”

The guy answers, “Looking for me.”

A blonde was weed-whacking her yard and accidentally cut off the tail of her cat, who was hiding in the grass.

She rushed her cat, along with the tail, over to WAL-MART!

Why WAL-MART?

HELLOOOOOOOOO!

WALMART is the largest re-tailer in the world!

THE GAY FLIGHT ATTENDANT:

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend , he came swishing down the aisle and told us that 'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly , so lovely people , if you could just put your trays up , that would be super.'

On his trip back up the aisle , he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. 'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.'

She calmly turned her head and said, 'In my country , I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one.'

To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied , without missing a beat , 'Well , sweet-cheeks , in my country I'm called a Queen , so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch!'

Psalm 109:8

My wife and I were in slow-moving traffic the other day and we were stopped behind a car that had an unusual Biden bumper sticker on it.

It read: "Pray for Biden. Psalm 109:8".

When we got home my wife got out the Bible and opened it up to the scripture.

She started laughing & laughing. Then she read it to me.

I couldn't believe what it said. I had a good laugh, too.

Psalm 109:8 ~ "Let his days be few and brief; and let others step forward to replace him."

At last -- I can honestly voice a Biblical prayer for our president!

Look it up -- it is word for word! Let us all bow our heads and pray.

Brothers and Sisters, can I get an AMEN?

Psalm 109:8

My wife and I were in slow-moving traffic the other day and we were stopped behind a car that had an unusual Biden bumper sticker on it.

It read: "Pray for Biden. Psalm 109:8".

When we got home my wife got out the Bible and opened it up to the scripture.

She started laughing & laughing. Then she read it to me.

I couldn't believe what it said. I had a good laugh, too.

Psalm 109:8 ~ "Let his days be few and brief; and let others step forward to replace him."

At last -- I can honestly voice a Biblical prayer for our president!

Look it up -- it is word for word! Let us all bow our heads and pray.

Brothers and Sisters, can I get an AMEN?

THIS IS US!!!

Senior citizens are constantly being criticized for every conceivable deficiency of the modern world, real or imaginary. We know we take responsibility for all we have done and do not blame others.

HOWEVER, upon reflection, we would like to point out that it was NOT the senior citizens who took

The melody out of music,

The pride out of appearance,

The courtesy out of driving,

The romance out of love,

The commitment out of marriage,

The responsibility out of parenthood,

The togetherness out of the family,

The learning out of education,

The service out of patriotism,

The Golden Rule from rulers,

The nativity scene out of cities,

The civility out of behavior,

The refinement out of language,

The dedication out of employment,

The prudence out of spending,

The ambition out of achievement or
God out of government and school.

And we certainly are NOT the ones who eliminated patience and tolerance from personal relationships and interactions with others!!

And, we do understand the meaning of patriotism, and remember those who have fought and died for our country.

Just look at the Seniors with tears in their eyes and pride in their hearts as they stand at attention with their hand over their hearts!

YES, I'M A SENIOR CITIZEN!

I'm the life of the party..... Even if it lasts until 8 p.m.

I'm very good at opening childproof caps..... With a hammer.

I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.

I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a thing you're saying.

I'm sure everything I can't find is in a safe secure place, somewhere.

I'm wrinkled, saggy, lumpy, and that's just my left leg.

I'm beginning to realize that aging is not for wimps.

Yes, I'm a SENIOR CITIZEN and I think I am having the time of my life!

Now if I could only remember who sent this to me, I wouldn't send it back to them, but I would send it to many more too!

HERE'S TO THE SENIORS

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

Two prostitutes were driving around the neighborhood the other night with a sticker on the side of the car that said, "Two Prostitutes, $50/hour"

A cop sees it and pulls them over. He gets to the driver's window and tells them to take that sign off their car as they can't advertise.

Just then, another car passes by with a sign that says, "Jesus Saves."

The girl in the driver's seat asks the officer, "Why don't you stop them? They're advertising."

He says it's because that was a religious sign.

The next night the two girls are driving around again but this time their sign said, "Two Fallen Angels Looking for Peter, $50/hour."

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a Cowboy in his late sixties and the other is a gorgeous young woman in her mid-twenties.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"

The woman says, "I'll go first."

She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.

The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the Cowboy and asks, "Can you top that?"

The old Cowboy replies, "You bet. Just get that lion out of there."

A hunter went hunting one day in West Virginia and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home where he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn't like hunter. The game warden ordered to the hunter to show his hunting license, and the hunter pulled out a valid West Virginia hunting license. The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed it's butt, and said, "This duck ain't from West Virginia. This is a Kentucky duck. You got a Kentucky hunting license, boy?" The hunter reached into his wallet and produced a Kentucky hunting license.

The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed it's butt, and said, "This ain't no Kentucky duck. This duck's from Tennessee. You got an Tennessee licence?" The hunter reached into his wallet and produced an Tennessee license. The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck. "This duck's from Virginia. You got a Virginia hunting license?"

Again the hunter reached into his wallet and brought out a Virginia hunting license. The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the hunter, "Just where the hell are you from?"

The hunter turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said, "You tell me, you're the expert!"

A hunter went hunting one day in West Virginia and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home where he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn't like hunter. The game warden ordered to the hunter to show his hunting license, and the hunter pulled out a valid West Virginia hunting license. The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed it's butt, and said, "This duck ain't from West Virginia. This is a Kentucky duck. You got a Kentucky hunting license, boy?" The hunter reached into his wallet and produced a Kentucky hunting license.

The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed it's butt, and said, "This ain't no Kentucky duck. This duck's from Tennessee. You got an Tennessee licence?" The hunter reached into his wallet and produced an Tennessee license. The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck. "This duck's from Virginia. You got a Virginia hunting license?"

Again the hunter reached into his wallet and brought out a Virginia hunting license. The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the hunter, "Just where the hell are you from?"

The hunter turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said, "You tell me, you're the expert!"

Bob is sitting on a train staring dreamily at the guy across from him.

"Hey," says the guy, "why are you staring at me?"

"Whether you believe it or not," says Bob, "you are the spitting image of my wife. Except for the mustache."

"But I don't have a mustache," says the guy.

"Right."

Two older women were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain.

One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

First Lady: What's that?

Second Lady: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

First Lady: Where did you get it?

Second Lady: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years old), but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.

Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.

Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker ..

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.

So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper..

Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.

I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!'

'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking!

I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.

I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.

He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.

My grandson burst out laughing.

Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.

So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,

Love,

grandma..

A man told the doctor, "My wife’s pregnant but we haven’t had sex in over a year. I don’t understand it."

The doctor said, "Oh, that's what we in the medical profession call a grudge pregnancy."

"What’s a grudge pregnancy?" asked the man.

The doctor replied, "Well, somebody’s obviously had it in for you."

I got arrested for indecent exposure.


It's headed for small claims court.

A man had just finished reading a new book called, 'HOW YOU CAN BE THE MAN OF YOUR OWN HOME AGAIN "

He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife.

Pointing a finger in her face, he said sternly, "Firstly - From now on, YOU need to understand that I AM the MAN of this house, and simply accept that what I say goes!"

"Secondly - You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert afterward."

"Then, after dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me to our bedroom where we will indulge in whatever forms of lovemaking that I choose - no matter what you might have said in the past."

"After that, you are going to draw me a warm bath so that I can relax."

"You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe."

"Then you will massage my feet and hands."

"Then after that's done, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

His wife replied..."The funeral director would be my guess."

A man had just finished reading a new book called, 'HOW YOU CAN BE THE MAN OF YOUR OWN HOME AGAIN "

He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife.

Pointing a finger in her face, he said sternly, "Firstly - From now on, YOU need to understand that I AM the MAN of this house, and simply accept that what I say goes!"

"Secondly - You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert afterward."

"Then, after dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me to our bedroom where we will indulge in whatever forms of lovemaking that I choose - no matter what you might have said in the past."

"After that, you are going to draw me a warm bath so that I can relax."

"You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe."

"Then you will massage my feet and hands."

"Then after that's done, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

His wife replied..."The funeral director would be my guess."