The Humor Train

A priest was walking down the sidewalk when he came across a young boy who was burning ants with a magnifying glass. As the priest got closer he could hear the boy saying "THESE GOD DAMN ANTS".

The priest stopped the young boy and said "son, God made these ants therefore they are not useless. I want you to think of 3 things on this Earth that are useless. I'll be back this way and I'll expect an answer".

A few hours went by and the priest was returning home. As expected, the boy was there waiting for the priest. The priest says "well, have you thought of 3 things that are useless?"

"Yes I have, sir"

"Well what are they?"

"Tits on a nun, a dick on a priest, AND THESE GOD DAMN ANTS"

Louie and his wife are eating and drinking at the village tavern.

Louie leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Louie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walk along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The wife lifts her skirt and Louie drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, Louie moves in... then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

Shaking, Louie is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

A guy comes home completely drunk, lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife: "Where the hell have you been all night?" she demands.

"At this new bar," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden. It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor, even the urinal's gold!"

The wife doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, "Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the phone.

"Yes it is," bartender answers.

"Do you have huge golden doors?"

"Sure do." "Do you have golden floors?"

"Most certainly do."

"What about golden urinals?"

There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, "Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that pissed in your saxophone last night!"

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

'What's the matter, dear' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night

The husband looks up from his coffee, 'It's the 20th Anniversary of the day we met'.

She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.

The husband continues, 'Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating, I was 18 and you were only 16,' he says solemnly.

Once again, the wife is touched to tears. 'Yes, I do' she replies.

The husband pauses The words were not coming easily. 'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car'

'Yes, I remember' said the wife, lowering herself into the chair beside him.

The husband continued. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to prison for 20 years'

'I remember that, too' she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said "I would have gotten out today."

A prostitute standing outside a motel in a small town saw a 70+ year old man walking past.

She hasn't had a customer for a while so she whistles at him and says, "Hey, would you like to have some fun time with me?"

The old man said, "But I won't be able to..."

Prostitute: "C'mon man.... give it a try... "

Old man says okay. They go in. The old man whips it out and screws the daylights out of her for 30 minutes.

When he's done, the prostitute all exhausted and tired says, "But you said you won't be able to...."

"...pay you." replied the old man.

Good, Bad, Very Bad

Good: Your son is growing up.
Bad: He's having sex with the neighborhood whore.
Very Bad: It's the same whore you're having sex with.

Good: You are teaching your daughter about the birds and the bees
Bad: She interrupts you.
Very Bad: She corrects you.

Good: Your son is in a serious relationship.
Bad: The relationship is with a man.
Very Bad: The man is your best friend.

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad: He watches porn in his room.
Very Bad: The porn stars are you and your wife.

63 and pregnant

A woman went to the emergency room, where she was seen by a young new doctor. After about 3 minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant.

She burst out of the room and ran down the corridor screaming.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was; after listening to her story, he calmed her down and sat her in another room.

Then the doctor marched down the hallway to the first doctor's room.

"What wrong with you?" he demanded. This woman is 63 years old, she has two grown children and several grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?!!"

The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said:
"Does she still have the hiccups?"

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish Garda. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a London lawyer, from London, and is certain that he has a better education than any paddy cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Garda's expense!!

The Irish Garda says," License and registration, please." London Lawyer says, "What for?" Irish Garda replies, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the Stop sign." London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Irish Garda says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License And registration, please." London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Irish Garda says, "The difference is, you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"

The London lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between "slow down" and "stop", I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

The Irish Garda says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir." The London lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Irish Garda takes out his baton and starts beating the lawyer with it and says, "Now do you want me to stop, or just slow down?"

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY.

The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.

He explains, “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa.”

Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, “Okay, if you don’t know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $500.00.”

This catches the blonde’s attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. “What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?”

The blonde doesn’t say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. “Okay” says the lawyer, “your turn.”

She asks the lawyer, “What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?” The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail.

After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00. The blonde says, “Thank you,” and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, “Well, what’s the answer?” Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

On her first day at the senior complex, the new manager addressed all the seniors, pointing out some of her rules:

“The female sleeping quarters will be out-of-bounds for all males as will the male dormitory be to the females. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."

She continued, "Anyone caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"

At this point, an older man named Joe stood up in the crowd and inquired, “So, how much for a season pass?”

For her birthday, a 50 year old woman buys herself a $20,000 facelift. After a few weeks her face is healed, and she thinks she looks great. But she decides to check it out.

She stops at the grocery store and grabs a magazine. At the checkout counter, she asks the cashier how old the cashier thinks she looks.

“Gee, I don’t know, “says the girl. “Maybe thirty?”

The woman, delighted with the answer, says, “I just turned 50!”

Next she stops at Starbucks for a latte, and asks the man behind the counter how old he thinks she is.

The man smiles and says, “You look the same age as my sister, twenty-nine or thirty.”

The woman is thrilled now and stops next door at the health-food shop for some vitamins. As she’s checking out the vitamins, she notices an old man just down the aisle. She decides she needs an opinion from an older male.

So she approaches him and says, “Excuse me sir, I’m just wondering how old you think I am.”

The old man looks at her and replies, “My eyes aren’t so hot anymore, but when I was young I had a foolproof, surefire way to tell the age of a woman.”

“And what’s that?” asked the woman.

Well, it’s a little personal, but if I put my hands under your shirt and feel around for awhile, I can guarantee you I can tell your age to the exact year.”

The woman is surprised by this, but it’s so crazy that after a minute her curiosity gets the best of her.

She says, “Oh what the heck. I want to see if you can do it.”

So they go to a remote corner of the store, and the man reaches both hands under her blouse. He moves them all around, probing and squeezing. He puts them under he bra and examines every square inch.

Finally, after several minutes, he pulls his hands out and says, “My dear, you are exactly fifty years old.”

The woman is amazed. “Wow. So how does that work?” she asks. “I can’t believe it.”

“Actually, “the old man says, “I was in line behind you at the grocery store.”

Two women friends meet in heaven. The first one asks her friend how she died.

“I died from the cold. Actually, I froze to death.”

The first woman says, “That sounds terrible. It must have been awful.”

He friend replies, “It wasn’t any fun. But fortunately I don’t remember it taking very long. It was just so very cold. So how did you die?”

“It was so stupid. I suspected my husband was cheating on me. In fact, I knew he was, and I wanted to catch him at it. So I came home several hours early to catch him, but he was alone in the living room. Well, I knew he had a woman hiding somewhere, so I searched the house. I looked everywhere, upstairs, downstairs, in the cellar, in all the rooms and closets, underneath the beds, anywhere a woman could hide. I was frantic and wouldn’t give up. In the end, all the excitement was just too much for my weak heart. I keeled over and died.”

“Hmmm,” her friend said. “It’s a shame you didn't check the freezer. We’d both still be alive.”

A man and his young son enter a coffee shop. To keep the boy occupied, the man gives his son a couple of quarters.

After a few minutes, the man hears his son choking and looks up. The boy is turning blue and having trouble breathing. The man realizes his son has swallowed the quarters.

He grabs his son and tries a Heimlich maneuver. That doesn’t work. He reaches into his son’s mouth but can’t get hold of the quarters. He panics. He calls for help.

A few tables away, an attractive woman closes her laptop, calmly gets up and comes over to the little boy. As he lies choking on the floor, she grabs his groin area and twists it violently. The quarters pop out of his mouth, and after a few seconds the boy is breathing normally.

She goes back to her table and resumes her work.

After the boy’s father is sure his son is all right, he approaches the woman and thanks her repeatedly.

“You saved my son’s life,” he says. “That was amazing. How did you do that? Are you a doctor?”

“No,” she answers. “I work for the I.R.S.”

Two strangers, a man and a woman, are sharing a sleeper cab on an overnight train.

At around midnight, as they are both trying to fall asleep, the man says to the woman "Excuse me ma'am, but it's really cold, would you mind passing me one of the extra blankets on the table beside you?"

The woman answers "I'll tell you what, I'm also feeling really cold, so for one night why don't we pretend we are married?"

The man, taken aback but enthusiastic replies "Okay sure!"

And so the woman says "Good. Then get it yourself you lazy ass."

Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"

80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question.

All responded this time, except one man, an avid golfer named Walter Barnes, who attended church only when the weather was bad.

"Mr. Barnes, it's obviously not a good morning for golf. It's good to see you here today. Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any," he replied gruffly.

"Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety-eight," he replied.

The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.

"Oh, Mr. Barnes, would you please come down to the front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?"

The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply, "I outlived the bastards."

An illegal alien sneaks into America. Everything goes fine for a few months until he suddenly gets sick. He goes to see doctor after doctor but nobody can figure out what's wrong with him.

He finally sees a doctor who says "Yes, I know what is wrong with you and how to fix it. Now I want you to go into the bathroom, there's a bucket in there. I want you to shit in the bucket, piss in the shit then stick your face in the bucket and breathe the fumes for three minutes".

The illegal thinks "This guy is nuts, but what the hell". So he goes into the bathroom, shits in the bucket, pisses in the shit, sticks his face in and starts breathing the fumes.

Three minutes later he feels fantastic! He's totally cured! He runs out and says "Doctor, it worked, I can't believe it!"

The doctor says "Yup, I knew it would work. I've seen a lot of guys with your condition".

The illegal asks "So what was wrong with me?"

The doctor replies "Well, you were homesick".

In 1992 while being interviewed by MTV, Bill Clinton was asked if he wore boxers or briefs. Clinton replied, "Boxers"

In 2008 US magazine asked Obama, "Boxers or briefs"? Obama declined to answer the question.

Last week AARP asked Joe Biden, "Boxers or briefs"? Biden responded, "Depends".

A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room.

“Where the hell do you think you’re going?” he says.

“I’m going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free.”

The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down with his suitcase packed as well.

“Where do you think you going?” the wife asks.

“I’m coming with you…I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!!!”

"Hello?" the child says on the phone. "Hi, honey, this is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?" "No, Daddy," says the little girl. "She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul." "Oh, yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now." Dad takes a deep breath. "Okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down, run upstairs, knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."

"Okay, Daddy, just a minute," says the little girl. A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it, Daddy." "What happened, honey?" he asks.

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all." "Oh, my God! What about your Uncle Paul?" asks Dad in a panic.

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out all the water last week to clean the pool. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."

There's a long pause on the phone. Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool? Is this 486-5731?"

An Irishman was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

The Irishman looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

A hospital administrator, an inspector and a few other important people were touring the local hospital to see how it rated compared with others in the state. So far they'd been very impressed with the hospital, especially the bedside manner of the staff.

They approached a patient's room and the curious inspector looked inside. She found a patient jacking off on the bed.

"What the hell is this?" she yelled.

The doctor had a very stern look on his face. "That man has a terrible condition where he produces too much semen, which could cause severe painful swelling of his testicles. If he doesn't do that four times a day, he'd be in serious trouble."

"Oh... I understand now. Let's keep going."

They go on a little ways further when the curious inspector looks inside yet another room. Inside she finds a nurse giving a blowjob to a patient.

"What the hell is this?" she demands.

The doctor replies: "Same problem, better insurance"

Dave comes home from the pub, drunkest he's been in a long time, and collapses into bed next to his sleeping wife. Later, he's woken by a brilliant flash of light at the end of his bed, which his still sleeping wife seems oblivious to. St. Peter appears in all his glory, standing over the two of them.

"You have died my son, of alcohol poisoning" says St. Peter. Dave is obviously distraught and begs and pleads with the saint to be given another chance at life.

"Well..." says St. Peter, thumbing through his saintly handbook, "There is a little known rule which might help. Apparently you can be reincarnated in special circumstances if you wish, but only as a dog or as a chicken I'm afraid.." Dave, living next door to a chicken farm, agrees to be reincarnated as a chicken, at least so he can still see his wife.

BOOM, the man is suddenly now a chicken, pecking around the chicken farm. A rooster approaches him and says "Hey! You must be the new arrival here! How's everything going?" "Pretty good" says Dave, "though my stomach feels a bit funny.." "Well you're obviously about to lay an egg! Give it a try; push one out!" So Dave wriggles and squirms and wriggles and squirms and out pops a nice egg!

"That felt great!" thinks Dave, "I think I'll lay another one!" So again he wriggles and squirms and wriggles and squirms and then !!BANG!! His wife angrily slaps him on the back of his head and screams in a rage: "For Christ's sake David!! You've shit the bed again!!!"

A male whale and female whale were swimming off the coast of Russia when they noticed a whaling ship.

The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years ago. He said to the female whale, "Let's both swim under the ship and blow out air from our air holes together and it will sink the ship".

They did it and the ship turned sideways and sank.

Soon however the whales realized that the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the shore.

The male whale got angry and told the female that they were going to get away and told her, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore".

The female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said "I went along with the blowjob, but I refuse to swallow the seamen."

Louie and his grandson are taking a walk around the yard after a rainstorm.

Seeing worms all over the sidewalk Louie decided to play a little prank on his grandson. "Billy," he says "I'll give you ten dollars if you can take one of those worms and put it back in it's hole."

Thinking this to be impossible, he watched as Billy played around with a worm for a minute. Suddenly Billy drops the worm and says "I'll be right back" and runs into the house.

Billy comes back with a can of hairspray, grabs one of the worms and sprays it down until it's stiff enough to slip right into it's hole.

"Well I'll be." Says Louie, handing over Billy's money. "You know what son, I'll be right back." and Louie heads into the house.

About fifteen minutes later Louie comes out of the house and gives Billy ten dollars. "But you already gave me the ten dollars." Says a confused Billy.

Louie says "That's from your grandmother."