The Humor Train

Think about this:
1. Cows
2. The Constitution
3. The Ten Commandments

COWS
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the state of Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.

THE CONSTITUTION
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq ....why don't we just give them ours?

It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore.

THE 10 COMMANDMENTS
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this -- you cannot post:
'Thou Shalt Not Steal'
'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,' and
'Thou Shall Not Lie'

....in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.

Also, think about this .....
If you don't want to repost this for fear of offending someone --
YOU ARE PART OF THE PROBLEM!

Several days ago as I left a meeting at a hotel; I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down.

I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets.

A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing.

Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car.

Frantically, I headed for the parking lot.

My husband has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition.

My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them.

His theory is that the car will be stolen.

As I burst through the door, I came to a terrifying conclusion.

His theory was right. The parking lot was empty.

I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.

Then I made the most difficult call of all, "Honey," I stammered; I always call him "honey" in times like these. "I left my keys in the car and it has been stolen."

There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard his voice.

"Are you kiddin' me", he barked, "I dropped you off"!!!!!!!

Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."

He retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen your car."

Heard at the Summer Olympics in 2008

Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators during the
Summer Olympics:

1. Weightlifting commentator: 'This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her
snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing.'

2. Dressage commentator: 'This is really a lovely horse and I speak from
personal experience since I once mounted her mother.'

3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: 'I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and
father.'

4. Boxing Analyst: 'Sure there have been injuries and even some deaths in
boxing, but none of them really that serious.

5. Softball announcer: 'If history repeats itself, I should think we can
expect the same thing again.'

6. Basketball analyst: 'He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like
it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.'

7. At the rowing medal ceremony: 'Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC
president is hugging the cox of the British crew.'

8. Soccer commentator: 'Julian Dicks is every where. It's like they've got
eleven Dicks on the field.'

9. Tennis commentator: 'One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that,
before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them. Oh my
God, what have I just said?'

IDIOT SIGHTING:
We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us
that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough
motor on the opener I thought for a minute, and said that we had the
largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his
head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2
was larger than 1/4. He said, 'NO, it's not. Four is larger than two.'

We haven't used Sears repair since.


IDIOT SIGHTING
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I
gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a
quarter. She said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know,
but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back.' She sighed and
went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so,
and he handed me back the quarter, and said "We're sorry but they could
not do that kind of thing.' The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1
and 75 cents in change.

Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.

IDIOT SIGHTING:
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the
local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER
CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by
cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be
crossing anymore'

From Kingman, KS


IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the
person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry,
but they only had iceberg lettuce.

From Kansas City


IDIOT SIGHTING:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee
asked, Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?
To which I replied,
'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' He smiled knowingly
and nodded,
'That's why we ask.'

Happened in Birmingham , Ala.


IDIOT SIGHTING:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine.
She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it
signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded,
What on earth are blind people doing driving?

She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS


IDIOT SIGHTING:
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself
and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would
not turn on.

A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no less.


IDIOT SIGHTING
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up
our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the
service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock
the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I
instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was
unlocked. Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!' His reply,
'I know. I already got that side.

This was at the Ford dealership in Canton , Mississippi

STAY ALERT.

They walk among us...

Cowboy  Rules


Rules of Colorado, Wyoming, Montana, Utah, Idaho, Bakersfield and the rest of the Wild West are as follows:

          1. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.

          2. Turn your cap right, your head ain 't crooked.

          3. Let's get this straight: it's called a 'gravel road.' I drive a pickup truck because I want to.
          No matter how slow you drive, you're gonna get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.

           4. They are cattle. That's why they smell like cattle. They smell like money to us. Get over it.
          Don't like it? I-80 & I-90 go east and west, I-25 & I-15 goes north and south. Pick one and go.

          5. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed.
          We have $250,000 Combines that are driven only 3 weeks a year.

          6. Every person in the Wild West waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.

          7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of geese/pheasants/ducks/doves are
          comin' in during the hunts, we WILL shoot it outta' your hand.
          You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

          8. Yeah. We eat trout, salmon, deer and elk. You really want sushi and caviar?
          It's available at the corner bait shop.

          9. The 'Opener' refers to the first day of deer season.
          It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.

          10. We open doors for women. That's applied to all women, regardless of age.

          11. No, there's no 'vegetarian special' on the menu. Order steak, or you can order
          the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham and turkey.

          12. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads.
          We use three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup! Oh, yeah . . . .
          We don't care what you folks in Cincinnati call that stuff  you eat . . . . IT AIN'T REAL CHILI!!

          13. You bring 'Coke' into my house, it bette r be brown, wet and served over ice.
          You bring 'Mary Jane' into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot,
          drive a truck, and have long hair.

          14. College and High School Football is as important here as the Giants, the Yankees,
          the Mets, the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch.

          15. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards - it spooks the fish.

          16. Turn down that blasted car stereo!  That thumpity-thump crap ain't music, anyway.  
          We don't want to hear it anymore than we want to see your boxers!  Refer back to #1!

New High School Exit Exam.............!!

(Passing requires 4 correct answers)

1) How long did the Hundred Years' War Last?


2) Which country makes  Panama hats?


3) From which animal do we get cat gut?


4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?


5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?


6) The  Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?


7) What was King George VI's first name?


8 ) What color is a purple finch?


9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?


10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?


Remember, you need 4 correct answers to pass.


Check your answers below ..


ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ


1) How long did the Hundred Years War Last?

116 years


2) Which country makes Panama hats?

Ecuador


3) From which animal do we get cat gut?

Sheep and Horses


4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

November


5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?

Squirrel fur


6) The  Canary Islands in the Pacific are

Named after what animal? Dogs


7) What was King George VI's first name?

Albert

8 ) What color is a purple finch ?

Crimson

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?

New Zealand

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane? Orange
(of course)


What do you mean,

You failed? Me, too.


(And if you try to tell me you passed, you lie!)

Vancouver had won the chance to host the 2010 Winter Olympics,
these were some questions people from all over the world were asking.

Believe it or not these questions about Canada were posted on an
International Tourism Website.

Obviously the answers are a joke; but the questions were really asked!

Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow?
( England )
A. We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch
them die.

Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? ( USA )
A: Depends on how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto - can I follow the Railroad
tracks? ( Sweden )
A: Sure, it's only Four thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada ? ( Sweden )
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: Are there any ATM's (cash machines) in Canada ? Can you send me a
list of them in Toronto , Vancouver , Edmonton and Halifax ? ( England )
A: What, did your last slave die from?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada ? ( USA )
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe
Ca-na-da is that big country to your North...oh forget it. Sure, the
hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary . Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Canada ? ( USA )
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees Contact us when you get here and
we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada ? ( England )
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )
A: Aus-t ri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which
is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night
in Vancouver and in Calgary , straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Do you have perfume in Canada ? ( Germany )
A: No, WE don't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Where
can I sell it in Canada ? ( USA )
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female
population is smaller than the male population? ( Italy )
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada ? ( USA )
A: Only at Thanksgiving.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year
round? ( Germany )
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gathers. Milk is
illegal.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada , but I forget its
name. It's a kind of big horse with horns. ( USA )
A: It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the
brains of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by
spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by  kids)

You  got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you  like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she  should keep the chips and dip coming.
--  Alan , age 10

No  person really decides before they grow up who they're going to  marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out  later who you're stuck with.
--  Kristen , age 10

WHAT  IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?  

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the  person FOREVER by then.
--  Camille , age 10

HOW  CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE  MARRIED?
You  might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling  at the same kids.
--  Derrick , age 8

WHAT  DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN  COMMON?

Both  don't want any more kids.
--  Lori , age 8

WHAT  DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?  

Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to  get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you  listen long enough.
--  Lynnette , age 8  (isn't she a treasure)

On the first date, they just  tell each other lies and that Usually gets them interested  enough to go for a second date.
--  Martin , age 10

WHAT  WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING  SOUR?

I'd  run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the  newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead  columns.
--  Craig , age 9

WHEN  IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?  

When  they're rich.
-- Pam  , age 7

The  law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess  with that.
- -  Curt , age 7

The  rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should  marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to  do.
--  Howard , age 8  


IS IT  BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?  

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys.  Boys need someone to clean up after  them.
--  Anita , age 9  (bless you child)

HOW  WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET  MARRIED?
There  sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't  there?
--  Kelvin, age 8

And  the #1 Favorite is........  

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE  WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks  pretty, even if she looks like a dump  truck.
--  Ricky , age 10

Password

During a recent password audit at a local company, it was found that a
young woman was using the following password:

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy.

When asked why such a big password, she said that they had told her that
it had to be at least 8 characters long.

They walk among us, and they vote.

A married couple of almost 20 years was lying in bed one evening when the woman felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn’t in quite some time.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach.

He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf.

Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became still.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, “Honey that was wonderful. Why did you stop?”

“I found the remote,” he mumbled.

Obituaries My Mother Wrote for Me While I Was Living in San Francisco in My Twenties
By Bess Kalb
April 30, 2016

It is with deep sorrow that we announce the passing of Bess Kalb, twenty-four, of San Francisco, formerly of New York. The cause of death was botulism from a homemade strawberry-rhubarb jam that was prepared by one of her housemates. The housemate, Aviva Something, holds a degree in—I kid you not—modern culture and media. She certainly had no formal training in sterile canning and preservation. If the kitchen in this “co-op” where the jam was prepared looks anything like it did six months ago, there is compost decaying right there on the counter next to the sink. Bess is survived by her brother, who once looked up to her.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

We mourn the death of Bess Kalb, twenty-five, beloved daughter and sister, who passed away late yesterday while hiking in the middle of nowhere with no cell-phone reception. A product of Manhattan, Bess had no awareness of wild animals, so when she inevitably encountered a bear/coyote/mountain lion (apparently no longer nocturnal due to ambient city light, which she’d have known if she’d read the article I sent her), she may as well have had a giant sign around her neck that said, “DINNER.” It also could have been sunstroke that did her in. She had a fair complexion, like her mother.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Today we lay to rest our daughter Bess Kalb, twenty-six, who was claimed Saturday morning by Contact Yoga. In an attempt to prove that she’s some kind of “free spirit,” she decided it would be a good idea to do this thing where you balance your entire body on a stranger’s hands and legs—like a child. That Bess’s brief, puzzling life was cut short is a tragedy, though the far greater tragedy is that right before she snapped her neck, some kid with a tribal tattoo was staring down her shirt.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Our hearts are broken as we announce the demise of our daughter Bess Kalb, twenty-seven, who was taken from us by a Lyft driver. And dismembered. Despite learning at the youngest possible age never to get into a strange man’s car, Bess, ever the techno-optimist, decided to enter her home address into an app, hop into a Hyundai, and hope for the best. The family would like mourners to treat Bess’s death as more or less a suicide.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Today we said goodbye to Bess Kalb, beloved daughter, sister, and former reader of serious books. After years living in the Bay Area, her brain essentially atrophied beyond the point of return, forcing us to make the brave decision to let her slip away peacefully. Shortly before the end, Bess spoke with genuine enthusiasm about a ted Talk—a pat distillation of a zeitgeisty subject spewed by some billionaire narcissist in a headset, accompanied by inaccurate line graphs. Weeks prior, she had used the word “impactful” in a sentence. In lieu of flowers, donations in her memory can be made to the Bess Kalb Fund for Adult Illiteracy.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Bess Kalb, twenty-eight, died immediately upon entering Burning Man with her new boyfriend, Travis or Trevor. There were no remains.

An 18-year-old Italian girl tells her mother that she has missed her period for the past two months.

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, “Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!”

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit, steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them, “Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can’t marry her because of my personal family situation, but I’ll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.”

“Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?”

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man’s shoulder and tells him, “You fuck her again".

Donald Trump, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to Hell. While there, they see a red phone and ask what the phone is for.

The Devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished, the Devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.

Next, Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished, the Devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a check.

Finally, Trump gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When finished, the Devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.

When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the Devil why Trump got to call the USA so cheaply.

The Devil smiles and replies, "Since Biden took over the country’s gone to hell, so it's a local call."

A guy walks into a bar. The barlady yells at him:"Hey! Close that damn door! Were you born in a freaking cave?!"

The guy closes the door, orders a beer and goes and sits in a corner and quietly starts sobbing.

The barlady, feeling remorse for being too hard on the poor guy, took him another beer and said:"This one's on me. Im sorry if i came across too mean"

The guy looks up and says:"Its ok. Its just that I was in fact born in a cave and everytime I hear a bat screech I feel homesick. Thanks for the beer"

Did you hear about the chameleon that couldn't change color?


He had a reptile dysfunction.

Air Force One fell off the radar screen somewhere over Iowa yesterday.

The Secret Service were sent out to find where it landed or crashed. After driving through hundreds of miles of open roads surrounded by corn fields, they see the smoking hull of the plane off in the distance along the edge of a field. Rushing out, they find it empty.

Way out across the field, they see a farmer on his tractor, so they run out, stop him, and question him if he saw anything. "Yeah, I did," he says. "The plane crashed early this morning."

"Did you know the president was on that plane?" asked one of the agents.

"Yep. He was dead," said the farmer. "So I buried him with my back hoe."

The terrified agent asked, "Are you sure he was dead?"

The farmer says "Well, he said he wasn't, but you know what a liar he is."

An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines.

He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London.

The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat.

The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well-dressed middle-aged lady and was being used by her little dog.

The war-weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"

The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed, and said "You Americans.

You are such a rude class of people.

Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?"

The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.

Again he asked, "Please, lady.

May I sit there?

I'm very tired."

The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans!

Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"

The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train, and sat down in the empty seat.

The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.

An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.

You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand.

You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road.

And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

A little boy came home from the playground with a bloody nose, black eye, and torn clothing.

It was obvious he'd been in a bad fight and lost. While his father was patching him up, he asked his son what happened.

"Well, Dad," said the boy, "I challenged Larry to a duel. And, you know, I gave him his choice of weapons."

"Uh-huh," said the father, "that seems fair."

"I know, but I never thought he'd choose his big sister!"

A blonde, out of money and down on her luck after buying air at a real bargain, needed money desperately. To raise cash, she decided to kidnap a child and hold him for ransom.

She went to the local playground, grabbed a kid randomly, took him behind a building and told him, "I've kidnapped you."

She then wrote a big note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning put $10,000 in a paper bag and leave it under the apple tree next to the slides, on the south side of the playground. Signed, A blonde."

The blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.

The next morning the blonde checked and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the apple tree.

The blonde looked in the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"

A woman in a hot air balloon realizes she is lost. She lowers her altitude and spots a man fishing from a boat below. She shouts to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consults his portable GPS and replies, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

She rolls her eyes and says, "You must be a Republican!"

"I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answers the balloonist, "everything you tell me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you're not much help to me."

The man smiles and responds, "You must be a Democrat."

"I am, replies the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well," says the man, "You don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and now you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault."

There was this loving grandfather named Tom Ferguson who always made a special effort to spend time with his son's family on weekends. Every Saturday morning he would take his 5-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time -- pancakes, ice cream, candy -- just him and his granddaughter.

One particular Saturday, however, he had a terrible cold and could not get out of bed. He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to their drives and would be very disappointed. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter for her weekly drive and breakfast.

When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather who was still in bed. "Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?" he asked.

"Not really, Pa Pa, it was boring. We didn't see a single asshole, queer, piece of shit, horse's ass, socialist left wing Biden lover, blind bastard, dip shit, Muslim camel humper, pecker head or son of a bitch anywhere we went. We just drove around and Grandma smiled at everyone she saw. I really didn't have any fun.”

A German walks into a bar and orders a beer.

The bartender tells him : "20 euros!"

The German is shocked - "20 euros? yesterday it was only 3 euros !"

"Well, today it is 20 euros."

"But why 20, damn it?"

Bartender : "I'll explain it,

-3 euros is beer,

-3 to help Ukraine,

-4 assistance to European countries who have imposed sanctions and are not members of the EU.

-4 euros in aid to the UK, for successful implementation of sanctions against Russia.

-Then 3 euros are sent to the Balkan countries as aid to buy furnace coal.

- and finally, 3 euros for a gas subsidy for the EU and fund to help maintain sanctions!"

The German silently took out the money and gave the bartender 20 euros.

The bartender took them, entered in the cash register and gave him 3 euros back.

German in disbelief : "Wait, you said 20 euros, right ? I gave you 20, why are you giving me back 3 euros?"

"Well... We have no beer. Supply chain problem."

A boy goes to the drug store with his dad and sees the condom display.

Boy: “Dad, why do they make packs with just one condom in it?”

Dad: “Those are for the high-schoolers for Friday nights.”

Boy: “So, why do they make packs of three?”

Dad: “For the college guys for Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights.”

Boy: “Then why do they make packs of 12?”

Dad: “Those are for married couples — you know, January, February, March....”

Kids at an elementary school were learning about various meats.

One day at lunch the teacher brings them venison.

After not being able to guess what kind of animal the meat comes from the teacher gives them a hint. "It's something mommy calls daddy."

Suddenly a child stands up and screams "DON'T EAT IT! IT'S ASSHOLE!"