The Humor Train

A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.

When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally, his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him.

"How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

To which he replied. "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye

A man goes to see a dentist and asks, "How much to pull two wisdom teeth?"

Dentist says "$500.00."

Man says, "Too much. Can't you do it for less?"

Dentist says, "I can do it for $350 if I cut out the Novocain."

Man says, "That's better but still too much. Can't we do it any cheaper?"

Dentist says, "I could let my trainee do it for $200 but she has never pulled a tooth before, and it would be quite painful."

Man says, "That's great. Schedule my wife for next Tuesday."

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, extracted twenty dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said, "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on hunting equipment?" I asked.

"Are you nuts?" replied the homeless man. "I haven't gone hunting in 20 years!"

"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?

I replied, "Don't worry about that. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting."

A married couple, both avid golfers, were discussing the future one night.

"Honey" the wife said, "if I were to die and you were to remarry, would you live in this house?"

"I suppose so - it's paid for"

"How about our car?" continued the woman. "Would the two of you keep that?"

"I suppose so - it's paid for"

"What about my golf clubs? Would you let her use them too?"

"Hell. no" the husband blurted out. "She's left-handed"

A boy asks his dad "Why do they say gardeners have green thumbs when their thumbs aren't green?"

His dad replies "It's just a saying son. Like when somebody gets caught stealing you say they were caught red-handed even though their hands are actually black"

Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship.
"Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing."

And they did.

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing."

And they did.

"Now we eat everybody." And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first?

Why did we swim around and around them?"

His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the shit inside!"

An old man with hearing problems crashed his car into a very expensive automobile.

The owner of the expensive automobile jumps out and confronts the old man and says “Give me $10,000 cash or I will beat you to a pulp!”

The old man replies, “Woah wait buddy, I don’t have that much money but let me call my son, he trains dolphins.”

The old man dials his son and as he is about to speak the owner of the expensive car yanks the phone out of his hand and says “So you train dolphins, well your old man just hit and damaged my car, you bring me $10,000 or I’m gonna beat the heck outta him!”

The son answers “Okay, give me 15 minutes and I’ll be there.”

In exactly 15 minutes the son pulls up in a Jeep, Ten men jump out and beat the hell out of the expensive car owner.

Meanwhile, the son walks over to his father and says “Dad I train Navy Seals, not dolphins"

A truck driver was speeding down a country road and ran over a rooster.

Being an honest man, he walked to the farm house and knocked on the door.

An old man answered the door. “Sir, he said, I would like to replace your rooster”.

“Suit yourself” he said. “The chickens are out back”

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the girl you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Nina Capelli?"

"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Cathy Piriano?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"

"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

"Four months vacation and five good leads.

Bob walks into a bar at 9:58 pm. He sits down next to a blonde at the bar and stares up at the TV just as the 10:00 news comes on.

The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looks at Bob and says "Do you think he'll jump?"

Bob says "You know what, I bet he will."

The blonde replies "Well, I bet he won't."

Bob places $30 on the bar and says "You're on!"

Just as the blonde places her money on the bar the guy does a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and hands her $30 to Bob, saying, "Fair's fair... Here's your money."

Bob replies "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."

The blonde says "I did too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."

Bubba dies in a fire and his body is pretty badly burned.

The morgue sends for his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer, to identify the body.

Daryl arrives first, and when the mortician pulls back the sheet, Daryl says, "Yup, his face is burnt up pretty bad.

You better roll him over."

The mortician rolls him over, and Daryl says, "Nope, ain't Bubba."

The mortician thinks this is strange.

Then he brings Gomer in to identify the body.

Gomer takes a look at the face and says, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over."

The mortician rolls him over and Gomer says, "No, it ain't Bubba."

The mortician asks, "How can you tell?"

Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two a**holes."

"What? He had two assholes?!" exclaims the mortician.

"Yup, every time we went to town, folks would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two assholes.'"

Bubba dies in a fire and his body is pretty badly burned.

The morgue sends for his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer, to identify the body.

Daryl arrives first, and when the mortician pulls back the sheet, Daryl says, "Yup, his face is burnt up pretty bad.

You better roll him over."

The mortician rolls him over, and Daryl says, "Nope, ain't Bubba."

The mortician thinks this is strange.

Then he brings Gomer in to identify the body.

Gomer takes a look at the face and says, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over."

The mortician rolls him over and Gomer says, "No, it ain't Bubba."

The mortician asks, "How can you tell?"

Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two a**holes."

"What? He had two assholes?!" exclaims the mortician.

"Yup, every time we went to town, folks would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two assholes.'"

A man boards an airliner, takes his seat, and is surprised to find a large purple parrot in the seat next to him. .

The aircraft takes off and a pretty flight attendant walks down the aisle past the man and his seat mate.

"Hey, bitch," says the parrot, "bring me a whiskey and soda, and make it snappy!"
.
The flight attendant looks annoyed, but walks on. A minute later, she walks back up the aisle, and the parrot pipes up again:

"Goddammit, you lazy whore, where's my whiskey? Hurry it up!".

Visibly flustered, the flight attendant hurries up the aisle and returns quickly with the parrot's drink. .

Impressed with the parrot's technique, the man decides to get some quick service for himself .

"Hey, slut," says the man, "get me a dry martini. And don't drag your sorry ass - I want it right now!"
.
The flight attendant turns red with anger and runs to the front of the plane.

In a moment she returns with the First Officer and two burly male flight attendants.
.
The crewmen seize the passenger and the parrot, jerk open the emergency door, and hurl them both out of the airplane at 20,000 feet.

As the two hurtle out the door, the parrot says to the man, "Ya know, for someone who can't fly, you got a lotta balls."

A woman decided to give herself a big treat for her 70th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice hotel.. When she checked out the next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $250.00.

She demanded to know why the charge was so high "I agree it's a nice hotel, but the rooms aren't worth $250..00 for just an overnight stay - I didn't even have breakfast!"

The clerk told her that $250.00 is the 'standard rate,' and breakfast had been included had she wanted it.

She insisted on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced: "This hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which are available for use."

"But I didn't use them."

'Well, they are here, and you could have." He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which they were so famous."We have the best entertainers from the world over performing here."

"But I didn't go to any of those shows.."

"Well, we have them, and you could have."

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, "But I didn't use it!" and the Manager countered with his standard response.

After several minutes discussion, and with the Manager still unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a check and gave it to him. The Manager was surprised when he looked at the check.

"But Madam, this check is for only $50.00"

"That's correct I charged you $200.00 for sleeping with me."

"But I didn't!"

"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."

Catholic shampoo!

Two nuns were shopping at a 7-11 store. As they passed by the beer cooler, one nun said to the other, "Wouldn't a nice cool beer or two taste wonderful on a hot summer evening?"

The second nun answered, "Indeed it would, sister, but I would not feel comfortable buying beer, since i am certain it would cause a scene at the checkout stand."

"i can handle that without a problem" the other nun replied, and she picked up a six-pack and headed for the check-out. The cashier had a surprised look on his face when the two nuns arrived with a six-pack of beer.

"We use beer for washing our hair" the nun said, "back at our nunnery, we call it catholic shampoo".

Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter. Pulled out a package of pretzel sticks, and placed them in the bag with the beer. He then looked the nun straight in the eye, smiled, and said:

"The curlers are on the house."

Oliver and his Gal Pal walked past a swanky new restaurant...

"Did you smell that food?" Gal Pal asked. "It smells absolutely incredible!"

Being in a generous mood Oliver thought, "What the heck..., I'll treat her."

So, they walked past it again...

An elderly Canadian gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane.

At the French customs desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag.

"You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked, sarcastically.

The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously.

"Then you should know enough to have your passport ready."

The Canadian said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."

"Impossible, Canadians always have to show your passports on arrival in France!"

The Canadian senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look, then he quietly explained, "Well, when I came ashore at Juno Beach on D Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to."

A man decides to buy a new scope for his rifle.

He goes to a firearms store and asks the clerk to show him a scope. The clerk says, "This scope is so good, you can see my house all the way up that hill." The man takes a look through the scope and starts laughing.

"What's so funny?", asks the clerk. "I see a naked man and a naked woman running around the house," the man replies.

The clerk grabs the scope from the man and says, "Here are two bullets. I'll give you this scope for free if you shoot my wife in the head and shoot the guy's dick off.

The man takes another look through the scope and says, "I think I can do that with one bullet."

I was at a single's group meeting and grabbed some coffee.

I took a sip and it was so hot it burned my lips and I gave out a yell.

One of the ladies came up to me and asked what was wrong.

I told her and she said "Well let me kiss it and make it better".

Afterwards I sat down and poured some in my lap.

I recently spent $16,500 on this registered Black Angus bull.

I put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow.

I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth.

Anyway......I had the Vet come and take a look at him.

He said,, the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day.

The bull started to service the cows within two days……. all my cows!

He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbor's cows! He's like a machine!

I don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him ...

... but they kind of taste like peppermint.

While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee.

His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, "No honey for you for one month!"

Later that afternoon, Johnny's dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly.

"That's it! No butter for you for one month!" says his dad.

Later that evening as Johnny's mother cooks dinner, a cockroach run across the kitchen floor.

She jumps and stomps on it, and then looks up to find Little Johnny and her husband watching her.

Little Johnny looks at his father and says, "Are you going to tell her, Dad, or do you want me to?"

The only cow in a small town in Poland stopped giving milk.

The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow from Moscow for 2,000 rubles, or one from Minsk for 1,000 rubles. Being frugal, they bought the cow from Minsk. The cow was wonderful.

It produced lots of milk all the time, and the people were amazed and very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. Then they would never have to worry about the milk supply again. They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.

The people were very upset and decided to ask their wise rabbi, what to do.

They told the rabbi what was happening. “Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she just walks away to the other side.”

The rabbi thought about this for a minute and asked, “Did you buy this cow from Minsk?”

The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they had gotten the cow.

“You are truly a wise rabbi,” they said. “How did you know we got the cow from Minsk?”

The rabbi answered sadly, “My wife is from Minsk.