The Humor Train

A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to Little Johnny and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first."

"A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."

"Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"

Walter took his wife Ethel to the state fair every year, and every time he would say to her, “Ethel, you know that I’d love to go for a ride in that helicopter.”

But Ethel would always reply, “I know that Walter, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars.”

Finally, they went to the fair, and Walter said to Ethel, “Ethel, you know I’m 87 years old now. If I don’t ride that helicopter this year, I may never get another chance.” Once again Ethel replied, “Walter, you know that helicopter is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars.”

This time the helicopter pilot overheard the couple’s conversation and said, “Listen folks, I’ll make a deal with you. I’ll take both of you for a ride; if you can both stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word I won’t charge you! But if you say just one word, it’s 50 dollars.”

Walter and Ethel agreed and up they went in the helicopter. The pilot performed all kinds of fancy moves and tricks, but not a word was said by either Walter or Ethel.

The pilot did his death-defying tricks over and over again, but still there wasn’t so much as one word said.

When they finally landed, the pilot turned to Walter and said, “Wow! I’ve got to hand it to you. I did everything I could to get you to scream or shout out, but you didn’t. I’m really impressed!”

Walter replied, “Well to be honest I almost said something when Ethel fell out but, you know, 50 dollars is 50 dollars!

Went for a walk with my new girlfriend

and we saw dogs mating.

She said: "How does the male know when the female is ready for sex?"

I replied: "He can smell she is ready . That's how nature works."

We then walked past a sheep field and the ram was mating the ewe.

Again my girlfriend asked: "How does the ram knew when the ewe is ready for sex?"

I replied: "It's nature. He can smell she is ready."

We then went past a cow-field and the bull was mating with the cow.

My girlfriend said: "This is odd. They are really going at it. Surely the bull can't smell when she is ready?"

I said: "Oh, yes; it's nature . All animals can smell when the female is ready for sex."

Anyway, after the walk, I dropped her home and kissed her goodbye.

She said: "Take care and get yourself checked out for Covid-19."

Surprised, "Why do you say that?" I asked her.

She replied: "You seem to have lost your sense of smell."

So this guy lost his right foot in an accident.

Lucky for him, he got a great prosthetic, so nobody knew he was wearing a prosthetic foot.

Some years later he met a girl, but didn’t tell her about his ‘disability’. They got married and on the wedding night, he took off his prosthetic foot to show his new bride. Horrified, she called her mom.

“Mom, you wouldn’t believe it. He’s only got one foot!”

The mom yelled back, “Dammit child, be grateful! Your dad ain’t even six inches!”

Fred and Mary got married, but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's parent's home for their first night together.

In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.

As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his Mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.

She replies, "No".

Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"

His mom replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school."

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"

She replies, "No."

Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?"

His mom replies, "Never mind what you think!

Eat your lunch and go back to school."

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"

His mom says "No."

He asks, "Do you know what I think?"

His Mom replies, "Ok, do tell me what you think?"

He says: "Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue."

Two Marines boarded a quick shuttle flight out of Dallas, headed for Houston.

One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat.

Just before take-off, an Army soldier got on and took the aisle seat next to the two Marines.

The Soldier kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Marine in the window seat said, “I think I’ll get up and get a coke.”

“No problem,” said the Soldier, “I’ll get it for you.”

While he was gone, the Marine picked up the Soldier’s shoe and spit in it.

When the Soldier returned with the coke, the Marine in the middle seat said, “That looks good, I think I’ll have one too.”

Again, the Soldier obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the Marine picked up the soldier’s other shoe and spit in it.

The Soldier returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the rest of the short flight to Houston.

As the plane was landing, the Soldier slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

“How long must this go on?” the Soldier asked.

“This fighting between our services?

This hatred?

This animosity?

This spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?”

At school, Little Johnny's classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it's very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth." Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out.

Johnny's mother greets him at home, and he tells her, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father." Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Come give your Daddy a great big hug!"

Tom goes in late to work for the second time in a week.

His boss calls him into her office and says, “What’s your excuse this time?”

Tom shrugs and says, “My clock didn’t go off and I overslept.”

She replies, “You could at least tell me something I haven’t heard before.”

Tom says “You are looking very lovely today.”

An old geezer, who had been a retired farmer for a long time became very bored and decided to open a medical clinic.

He put a sign up outside that said: "Get your treatment for $500 - if not cured get back $1,000."

Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000.

He went to Dr. Geezer's clinic and this is what happened.

Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?

Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."

Dr. Young: "Aaagh! This is Gasoline!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."

Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.

Dr Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."

Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Doctor Young: "Oh no you don't, that's Gasoline!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."

Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak I can hardly see!"

Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so. Here's your $1000 back."

Dr. Young: "But this is only $500..."

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."

Moral of the story: Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an old "Geezer "

Husband said, "Honey I love you very much and nothing will change that. But I noticed that our 8th child doesn't look like the other seven children. I must know if he has a different father than the other children."

Wife said with tears in her eyes, "I'm sorry but yes he has a different father."

Husband said, "Please tell me who the father is. I must know."

Wife said, "The father is you!"

A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.

He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time..."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is an Airborne Ranger, the other is a Navy Seal, both serving overseas somewhere.

When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.

So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.

He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. (I know, a tear is coming to my eye too)

All the regulars take notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."

"Hasn't affected my brothers though...."

A chicken farmer went to the local bar and ordered champagne.

A woman beside him said:" How strange, I just ordered a glass of champagne also ".

" What a coincidence " - said the farmer, who added: " It is a special day for me .... I'm celebrating"

" It is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!" said the woman.

"What a coincidence" said the farmer.

While they toasted, the man asked: " What are you celebrating?"

" My husband and I are trying to have a child for years, and today, my gynecologist told me that I was pregnant".

"What a coincidence!" said the man. " I'm a chicken farmer and for years all my hens were infertile, but now they are all set to lay fertilized eggs. "

"This is awesome" said the woman. " What did you do for your chickens to become fertile?"

" I used a different rooster " the farmer said.

The woman smiled and said: "What a coincidence"

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father.

He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horses legs and rump, and chest..

After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"

His father replied, "Because when I am buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy."

Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw
two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered
his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass ?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
"We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed
you," the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are
over there eating grass under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

Turning to the second poor man he stated, "You may come with
us, also."

The other man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I
also have a wife and six children with me!"

"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a
car as large as the limousine.

Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer
and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all
of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my
place. The grass is almost a foot high."

. . . did you really think there was such a thing as a heart-warming lawyer story?
Look at the House and Senate -- over 300 Lawyers!!!

In Ireland, the 99-year-old Mother Superior lay quietly.

She was dying.

The Nuns had gathered around her bed, laying garlands around her and trying to make her last journey comfortable.

They wanted to give her warm milk to drink but she declined.

One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen.

Then, remembering a bottle of Irish Whiskey that had been received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

Back at Mother Superior's bed, they lifted her head gently and held the glass to her lips.

The very frail Nun drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had finished the whole glass down to the last drop.

As her eyes brightened, the nuns thought it would be a good opportunity to have one last talk with their spiritual leader.

"Mother," the nuns asked earnestly, "Please give us some of your wisdom before you leave us".

She raised herself up very slowly in the bed on one elbow, looked at them and said:

"DON'T SELL THAT COW."

I was in a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said,
"I want you to try and sell this to me."

So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building, and went home.

Eventually, he called my mobile and said, "Bring it back here right now!"

I said, "£100 and it's yours. It's a bargain!"

Joe Biden is at the doctor's office. "I have two pieces of bad news," the doctor says.

"What are they?" asks Biden.

"Well, the first is that you have cancer."

"Oh my god that's terrible! What's the 2nd?" Joe asks.

"You also have Alzheimer's."

Joe says "Well, at least I don't have cancer."

Doctor: "I have bad news and really bad news."

Patient: "Well, give me the bad news first."

Doctor: "You only have three days to live."

Patient: "Oh my god, what could be worse than that?"

Doctor: "I couldn't reach you for the last two days."

Doctor: "I have bad news and really bad news."

Patient: "Well, give me the bad news first."

Doctor: "You only have three days to live."

Patient: "Oh my god, what could be worse than that?"

Doctor: "I couldn't reach you for the last two days."

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"

"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques - visualization, association - it has made a big difference for me."

"That's great! What was the name of that clinic?"

Fred went blank. He thought and thought but couldn't remember.

Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?"

"You mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's it!"

Then he turned to his wife and asked, "Rose, what was the name of that clinic?

What is the life lesson we can learn from a soldier's account?

A soldier assigned to Iraq receives a letter from his girlfriend...

The letter said the following:

Dear Alberto.

I can no longer continue this relationship.

The distance that separates us is too great.

I have to admit I've been unfaithful to you twice since you left and I don't think you or I deserve that, I'm sorry.

Please return the photo I sent you, with love,

Daniela.

The soldier, very wounded..., asked all his companions to offer him pictures of their brides, sisters, friends, cousins, etc.

Along with Daniela's photo, he included all these other photos that he had taken of his friends.

There were 57 photos in the envelope and a note that read:

Dear Daniela.

Forgive me, but I can't remember who you are.

Please look for your photo on the package and return the rest to me.

Moral:

Still defeated... you have to know how to screw the enemy, hehehe