The Humor Train

A man walks into a bar and orders two shots.

Bartender says, "You want them both now or one at a time?" The man says "Oh, I want them both now. One's for me and one's for my friend here" as he pulls a three inch tall man out of his pocket.

The bartender asks "He can drink?" "Oh sure, he can drink." So the bartender pours the shots and sure enough, the little guy gulps his down.

"Amazing!" says the bartender. "Can he walk?" The man flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, "Hey, Jake, go get that." The little guy runs down to the end of the bar, sets the coin on it's edge, and rolls it back to the man.

The bartender is in total shock. "That's awesome! Does he talk?" The man says "Sure he talks. Hey, Jake, tell him about that time we were in Africa and you called that witch doctor an asshole."

A man walks into a bar and orders two shots.

Bartender says, "You want them both now or one at a time?" The man says "Oh, I want them both now. One's for me and one's for my friend here" as he pulls a three inch tall man out of his pocket.

The bartender asks "He can drink?" "Oh sure, he can drink." So the bartender pours the shots and sure enough, the little guy gulps his down.

"Amazing!" says the bartender. "Can he walk?" The man flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, "Hey, Jake, go get that." The little guy runs down to the end of the bar, sets the coin on it's edge, and rolls it back to the man.

The bartender is in total shock. "That's awesome! Does he talk?" The man says "Sure he talks. Hey, Jake, tell him about that time we were in Africa and you called that witch doctor an asshole."

A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing.

Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words: "Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about. Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator."

Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn’t wear because they were out of style.

She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wore even once because the color didn’t suit you.

Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don’t fit into anymore.

Then as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, "Is there anything else that your wife doesn’t use anymore?"

"And so, here we are!"

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. He seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The Judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.

The man replied...

"Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are Coming" and I grinned.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile.

Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself.

BUT, your Honor, when she moved for the fourth time and sat under the sign that said "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident"..

..I just lost it......."CASE DISMISSED!!"

A woman went into a pet shop to buy her husband a pet. After looking around she realized that all the pets there were very expensive. She went to the counter and questioned the clerk.

"I wanted to buy my husband a pet, but all of yours are so expensive," she said.

"Well," said the clerk, 'I have a huge bullfrog in the back for $50.00. Would you like to see it?"

"$50.00?? For a Frog??" asked the woman.

The clerk said, "It's a special frog. It gives blow jobs,"

Well, the woman did not particularly enjoy giving head, so, she thought this was a heck of a deal. She'd get her husband a gift he'd surely enjoy, and she'd never have to do that again.

The woman decided to buy the frog. She took it home to her husband and explained the strange gift. Of course, the husband was a bit skeptical, but said for sure he'd try it out that night. The woman went to bed that night relieved knowing she'd never have to give another blow job.

About two in the morning, she woke up to hear pots and pans banging around in the kitchen. She got up to go see what was going on. When she got to the kitchen, she saw her husband and the frog, sitting at the kitchen table like best buddies, looking through cookbooks.

"What are you two doing looking through cookbooks at this hour?" asked the woman.

The guy looks up at her and says, "Well if I can teach this frog to cook your ass is outta here."

I got really angry with my car navigation/GPS today. I even yelled at it and told it to "go to hell."


Twenty minutes later it brought me in front of my mother-in-law’s house.

I got really angry with my car navigation/GPS today. I even yelled at it and told it to "go to hell."


Twenty minutes later it brought me in front of my mother-in-law’s house.

An old man got on to a crowded bus in Jerusalem.

All the back seats were taken by a Jewish Rabbi and his 11 kids, so the old man had to stand; no one gave him a seat. `

As the bus shook and rattled, the old man's cane slipped on the floor and he fell down.

As he got up, a seven-year-old kid, sitting nearby, turned to him and said, "If you put a little rubber thingy on the end of your stick, it wouldn't slip."

The old man snapped back, "Well, if your daddy did the same thing seven years ago, I would have a seat.

An old man got on to a crowded bus in Jerusalem.

All the back seats were taken by a Jewish Rabbi and his 11 kids, so the old man had to stand; no one gave him a seat. `

As the bus shook and rattled, the old man's cane slipped on the floor and he fell down.

As he got up, a seven-year-old kid, sitting nearby, turned to him and said, "If you put a little rubber thingy on the end of your stick, it wouldn't slip."

The old man snapped back, "Well, if your daddy did the same thing seven years ago, I would have a seat.

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.

"Hey, girls," says the brunette one day, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."

So the next day they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss.

She quietly sneaks out of the house and vows to return home at her normal time the next day.

In the morning, the brunette says: "That was fun, we should do it again sometime."

"No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught!"

When three people have sex it's called a threesome.


When two people have sex it's called a twosome.


Now I know why everyone calls me handsome.

The Facecloth

This has to be read, laughed at and passed on. There is not a woman alive today who won't crack up over this!

I was due for a smear with the doctor later in the week. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am . I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 am .

The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare.

As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pyjamas, wet the facecloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in that area to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the facecloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.

I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away. I was a little surprised when the doctor said, 'My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven't we?'

I didn't respond.

After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal - some shopping, cleaning, & cooking.

After school when my 7 year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, 'Mummy, where's my facecloth?'

I told her to get another one from the cupboard...

She replied, 'No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter saved inside it.'

NEVER going back to that doctor ever!!

Why are there no Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?


They don't want to work in the future either.

Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month.
By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it.

I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.

I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, --- when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, over- charging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.

My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.

Be aware that it is an OFFENSE under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete.

I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.

Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.

I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits, but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.

As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further.

When you call me, press buttons as follows:

IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH

#1. To make an appointment to see me
#2. To query a missing payment
#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there
#4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping
#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature
#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home
#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required.

Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.

#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7
#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry

The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.

#10. This is a second reminder to press* for English.

While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?

Your Humble Client

If you are 40 or older, you might think this is hilarious!

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning.... Uphill... Barefoot... BOTH ways...yadda, yadda, yadda

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on my kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!

But now that I'm over the ripe old age of forty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia! And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don't know how good you've got it!

1) I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the &*%$ library and look it up ourselves, in the @#!% card catalog for heavens sake!

2) There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter - with a pen and paper! Then we had to walk all the way to the mailbox and put it in for the postman to pick up. It would take like a week to get there! And you might get a reply in another week or two!

3) Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us. As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our ass! Nowhere was safe! We had no choice but to behave ourselves.

4) There were no MP3's or Napsters or Sirius! If you wanted to steal music, you had to walk or catch a ride to the record store and shoplift it yourself!

5) Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio, where the DJ would usually talk over the beginning of the song and @#*% it all up! There were no CD players! We had tape decks in our car to play 8-track or cassette tapes! We'd play our favorite tape and "eject" it when finished, and we were lucky it would come up clean and not mangled up in the machine. Cause, hey, that's how we rolled, Baby! Dig it? i was lucky if the car had FM radio - most were still AM

6) We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called, they got a busy signal, that's it! Some of us even had to share a "party line" with our neighbors where they could listen in on your conversation or tell you to get off so they could make a call. That was the social media of the day. Now-a-days you kids have Facebook, Twitter, and You Tube to get everyone up in your business. and there were no answering machines. if someone didn't pick up there was no message

7) There weren't any freakin' cell phones either. If you left the house you simply were out-of-touch. You just didn't make a call or receive one. Your "friends" had no idea where you were or what you were doing. OH MY GOSH !!! Think of the horror... not being in touch with someone 24/7!!! And don't get me started on TEXTING! Yeah, right. Please! You kids have no idea how annoying you are.

And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your parents, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, the collection agent... you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances. Screening your calls just wasn't an option, you spoiled rotten brat!

9) We didn't have any fancy Wii, PlayStation or Xbox video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids'. Your hero was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination!!! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen.. Forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE! well atari was still more than a decade away when i was a kid

10) We had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! We couldn't channel surf sitting on our duff with the remote in hand. OH NO! we actually had to get up off our ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel!!! And we had only 3 or 4 stations to choose from and the picture quality was fuzzy at best or in black and white. NO REMOTES or HI-DEF or DVD's you !#$% couch potatoes! tv was easy. we had channel 2, 4 and 7 and they went off the air at midnight

11) There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday morning. Do you hear what I'm saying? We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-bastards!

12) And we didn't have microwaves. If we wanted to heat something up, we had to use the stove or oven! Imagine that! For those who don't know what a stove is, it's that big cube shaped thing in your kitchen.

13) And our parents told us to stay outside and play... all day long. What's that! No electronics to soothe and comfort. And if you came back inside... you were doing chores!

And car seats - oh, please! Mom threw you in the back seat and you hung on. If you were lucky, you got the "safety arm" across the chest at the last moment if she had to stop suddenly, and if your head hit the dashboard, well that was your fault for calling "shot gun" in the first place!

See! That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled rotten! You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in the 60's or 70's.

The government today announced that it's changing its emblem, from a "Union Jack" to a CONDOM, because it accurately reflects the Government's political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of dicks, & gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed. It just doesn't get more accurate than that!

CREATION OF HUMANS

A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?"

The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so was all mankind made.."

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question..

The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."

The confused girl returned to her mother and said, " Mom , how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?"

The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"

The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage.

The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"

The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

ANGER MANAGEMENT

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know, but you know deserves it...

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make.

I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered, saying 'Hello.'

I politely said, 'This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?'

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear - 'Get the right f***ing number!'
And the phone was slammed down on me.

I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.

When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled 'You're an asshole!' And hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, 'You're an asshole!'

It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop.

So, I called his number and said, 'Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?'

He yelled 'NO!' And slammed down the phone.

I quickly called him back and said, 'That's because you're an asshole!' And hung up.

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for.

I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me.

I noticed a 'For Sale' sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial)

I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too.

I said, 'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?'

He said, 'Yes, it is.'

I then asked, 'Can you tell me where I can see it?'

He said, 'Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd. , in Fairfax. It's a yellow ranch style house And the car's parked right out in front.'

I asked, 'What's your name?'

He said, 'My name is Don Hansen.'

I asked, 'When's a good time to catch you, Don?'

He said, 'I'm home every evening after five.'

I said, 'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?'

He said, 'Yes?'

I said, 'Don, you're an asshole!'

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.

Then I came up with an idea...

I called asshole #1.

He said, 'Hello'

I said, 'You're an asshole!' (But I didn't hang up.)

He asked, 'Are you still there?'

I said, 'Yeah!'

He screamed, 'Stop calling me'

I said, 'Make me.'

He asked, 'Who are you?'

I said, 'My name is Don Hansen.'

He said, 'Yeah? Where do you live?'

I said, 'Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd., in Fairfax, a yellow ranch style home and I have a black Beamer parked in front.'

He said, 'I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers.'

I said, 'Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole,' and hung up.

Then I called Asshole #2.

He said, 'Hello?'

I said, 'Hello, asshole,'

He yelled, 'If I ever find out who you are...'

I said, 'You'll what?'

He exclaimed, 'I'll kick your ass'

I answered, 'Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now.'

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I was on my way over to 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 7 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd in Fairfax .

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax .

I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.

NOW I feel much better.

Anger management really does work.

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.

Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the
washing machine?'

'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'

He yelled back, ' DALLAS COWBOYS'!

And they say blondes are dumb....

MALE SENSITIVITY

The room was full of pregnant women with their partners. The class was in
full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe and was
telling the men how to give the necessary assurance to their partners at
this stage of the pregnancy.

She said "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is
especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make
delivery that much easier. Just make several stops and stay on a soft
surface like grass or a path."

She looked at the men in the room, "and Gentlemen, remember -- You're in
this together -- It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her.

The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information.

Then a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand.

"Yes, answered the Instructor.

"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag
while we walk?

---- This kind of sensitivity just can't be taught!

A man and his wife were awakened at 3am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

“Not a chance,” says the husband, “it is 3am!”

He slams the door and returns to bed.

“Who was that?” asked his wife.

“Just some drunk guy asking for a push,” he answers.

“Did you help him?”

“No, I did not, it is 3am and it’s pouring rain!”

“Well, you have a short memory,” says his wife. “Can’t you remember about three months go when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him and you should be ashamed of yourself. God loves drunk people too.”

The man does as he is told, gets dressed and goes into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, “Hello, are you still there?”

“Yes,” comes back the answer.

“Do you still need a push?” calls out the husband.

“Yes, please,” comes the reply from the dark.

“Where are you?” asks the husband.

“Over here on the swing set.” replied the drunk.

A businessman and his secretary, overcome by passion, go to his house for an early afternoon "quickie."

"Don't worry," he purrs. "My wife is out of town on a business trip, so there's no risk."

As one thing leads to another, the woman reaches into her purse and suddenly gasps, "We have to stop, I forgot to bring birth control!"

"No problem," her lover replies. "I'll get my wife's diaphragm."

After a few minutes of searching, he returns to the bedroom in a fury.

"That witch!" he exclaims. "She took it with her! I always knew she didn't trust me!"