The Humor Train

A man went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The man said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped!"

The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."

The man left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"

The man replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"

A Blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He then takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then..... he said with a deep sigh" ............

"Let's put all these Corn Flakes back in the box".

John returned from his hunting trip quite a bit earlier than expected. He entered the master bedroom and found his wife making passionate love to his friend Bob. An irate John stood stiffly and loudly berated his wife for her infidelity.

With thunder in his voice, he reminded her that he had taken her from a miserable existence on a local run-down farm, given her a fine home, provided her with money, expensive clothes and jewels, and almost anything she desired. By this time, with his wife crying inconsolably, John turned his wrath on his supposed friend:

"And as for you Bob, you might at least have the decency to stop while I'm talking!"

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior .. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'

'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.'

'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed. 'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?'

'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!'

'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. 'You must tell me all about it!'

'Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother Superior - 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dog leg left and a hidden green....and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made.

And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight !'

'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!'

'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister. 'While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!'

'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the Mother.

'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. 'And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!'

'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile.

'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!'

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said "'You missed the fucking putt, didn't you?'

NOTES TO DEAR ABBY:

DEAR ABBY ADMITTED SHE WAS AT A LOSS TO ANSWER THE FOLLOWING:

Dear Abby,
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties. These two women go everywhere together, and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?

Dear Abby,
What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence on my VCR?

Dear Abby,
I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.

Dear Abby,
I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.

Dear Abby,
I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.

Dear Abby,
Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?

Dear Abby,
I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?

Dear Abby,
My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.

Dear Abby,
I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.

Dear Abby,
My mother is mean and short tempered I think she is going through mental pause.

Dear Abby,
You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor. Now what do I do?

MEN JOKES          

A LOT OF JOKES ABOUT BLONDE FEMALES FLOAT AROUND THE INTERNET BUT SOME MAY BE SURPRISED THAT THERE IS A WHOLE GROUP OF JOKES ABOUT MEN THAT MANY DO NOT SEE. ENJOY THIS OTHER SIDE OF THE COIN.    

               
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'

'It depends,' I replied.'What does it say on your shirt?'

He yelled back, ' OHIO STATE !'

And they say blondes are dumb....

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -------

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, 'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world...'

The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...... '.

------------ --------- -------

'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower..
'Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'

'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.

------------ --------- --------- --------- ----

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

A: A rumor
--------- --------- --------- ----

Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; and Patience for his moods.

Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.

AMEN

---- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---

Q: Why do little boys whine?

A: They are practicing to be men.
------------ --------- --------- --------- -------

Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?

A: Trustworthy. .

------------ --------- --------- --------- ------

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?

A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

------------ --------- --------- --------- ---

Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?

A: It helps them remember which end to wipe..

------------ --------- --------- --------- ----

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?

A: Rename the email folder 'Instruction Manuals'

------------ --------- --------- --------- -------

While creating husbands, God promised women that good and ideal husbands would be found in all corners of the world.........

......then He made the earth round.

A woman marries a man and has 10 children.

The man dies, so the woman remarries and has 10 more children. The next man dies, so the woman remarries again and has ten more children. That man dies, so the woman remarries and has 10 more children...

The husband dies again and finally the woman dies as well.

At the funeral, the priest mutters, "Thank God! They’re finally together!"

A man at the funeral asks another man on his left, “Which husband do you think he means? The first, second, or third?”

The man on his left says, “I think he means her legs.”

A man sitting next to me on the bus today showed me a picture of his wife.

He says to me "Isn't she beautiful"?

I replied to him "If you think she's pretty, you should see my wife"

He then asked "Oh, is your wife beautiful too"?, to which I replied "No, she's an optometrist".

A gas station owner in Mississippi was trying to increase his sales. So, he put up a sign that read, "Free Sex with Fill-Up..."

Almost as soon as the sign went up, a local redneck pulled in, filled up his tank then asked for his free sex. The owner said, "pick a number from 1 to 10. and if you guess correctly, you will get free sex."

The redneck said, "I'm guessing number 8..." But, the proprietor said, " Oh, you were close... The number was 7... Sorry, no sex this time...."

A week later, the same redneck, comes into the gas station, along with his brother, Bubba... He pulls up to the pump, gets another fill-up, and again he asked for his free sex.

The proprietor again gives him the same story... he said, "guess the correct number..."

This time, The redneck guessed the number 2...

Again, the proprietor said, "Oh, geeze... so sorry... you were so close... but, no sex this time... 'cause the number was three... better luck next time..."

As the two were driving away, the redneck said to his brother, "I think that game is rigged, and he doesn't really give away free sex with a fill up of gas..."

Bubba replied, "No it ain't, Billy Ray... It ain't rigged.... My wife won twice last week..."

A grandpa tells his grandson "Always on that computer, playing videogames. That's no way to live your life, you have to go out and see the world."

“When I was your age”, he continued, “my buddies and I went to Paris, We went to the Moulin Rouge and I fucked a dancer on stage, pissed on the bartender and didn’t pay for my drinks all night!”

The grandson thinks his grandfather is right. He goes to Paris and the Moulin Rouge with his friends. He comes back only three days later covered in bruises, and with a broken arm.

The grandfather asks, “What the hell happened to you?”

The grandson says, “I did just like you did. I went to the Moulin Rouge; I tried to fuck a dancer on stage and piss on the bartender — but they beat the shit out of me and stole all the cash in my wallet!”

The grandfather says, “Well who the hell did you go with boy?”

The grandson says, “My friends from school, who did you go with?”

The grandfather says, “The SS"

It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath and the young nun, Sister Magdalene, had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed.

Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.

The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.

'Oh, sister,' said the young nun dreamily, ‘I've been saved.'

'Saved? And how did that come about?' asked the old nun.

'Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven.'

'Did he now?' said the old nun evenly.

Sister Magdalene continued, 'and Father John said that if the Key to Heaven fitted my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured salvation and eternal peace.

And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock.'

'Is that a fact?' said the old nun even more evenly.

'At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved.'

'That old bastard!' said the old nun. 'He told me it was Gabriel's Horn and I've been blowing it for 40 years!'

A couple was going on vacation but the wife had to finish a business trip so the husband went to the destination first and his wife would meet him there the next day.

When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email.

Unfortunately, when typing her address, he mistyped a letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher’s wife whose husband had passed away only the day before.

When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

P.S. Sure is hot down here.

A man is on his way home from work and stops in a pet store looking for a new pet.

He tells the clerk "I want a new pet, one that will actually do something."

The clerk walked into the back of the store and came back with a small box. The clerk says "here you go, a toothless hamster."

The man said "what the hell do I need a toothless hamster for?"

The clerk replied "un-zip your fly and ill show you"

So the guy unzips his fly and the clerk puts the hamster down his pants, and the hamster gives him the best blow job has ever had.

He buys the hamster, takes it home, sets it down on the kitchen floor, his wife jumps up on a chair screaming "WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?"

He says "Its a hamster, now teach it how to cook and get the fuck out!"

In Church, while reverently preparing for the service, I heard a sweet little old lady, sitting next to me in the pew, quietly whispering a prayer. It was so sweet and sincere that I just had to share it with you.

She said, 'Dear Lord, this has been a tough two or three years; you have taken my favorite actor Patrick Swayze, my favorite performer Michael Jackson, my favorite salesman Billy Mays, my favorite
actress Elizabeth Taylor, my favorite singer Whitney Houston, and, now, my favorite announcer Dick Clark.

I just wanted you to know that my favorite politician is Barack Obama. -- Amen.'

A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware Store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?' The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.' The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket.
Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?' 'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time..

'The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'

The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'

The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.

PARAPROSDOKIANS
(Winston Churchill loved them) are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently humorous.

1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you.. But it's still on my list.

3.. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. They begin the evening news with 'Good Evening,' then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

10. Buses stop in bus stations. Trains stop in train stations. On my desk is a work station.

11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

12. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'

13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

17. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

18. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

19. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

20. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

21. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

22. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

23.. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

25. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car. Amen


This one makes sense.

I'm supposed to respect my elders, but its getting harder and harder for me to find one now.

Queen & Dolly go to Heaven

Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.

Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.

The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.

Dolly takes off her top and says, 'Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.'

The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question.

The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, drinks it down. Then, wees into a toilet and pulls the lever.

The Angel says, 'OK, your Majesty, you may go in.'

Dolly is outraged and asks, 'What was that all about?

I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She wees into a toilet and she gets in! Would you explain that to me?'

'Sorry, Dolly,' says the Angel, 'but even in Heaven, A Royal Flush Beats a Pair - No Matter How Big They Are.

Forgot My Glasses

Yesterday my daughter again asked why I didn't do something useful with my time. Talking about my "doing something useful" seemed to be her favorite topic of conversation. She was "only thinking of me" and suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys.

I did this and when I got home last night I decided to teach her a lesson about staying out of my business. I told her that I had joined a parachute club.

She said, "Are you nuts? You're almost 79 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"

I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card.

She said to me, "Good grief, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."

"I'm in trouble again, and I don't know what to do... I signed up for five jumps a week." I told her.

She fainted.

Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier but sometimes it can be fun.

MEDICAL EXAMS

1. A man comes into the ER and yells . . .'

My wife's going to have her baby in the cab.'

I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear.

Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - - -

and I was in the wrong one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald , San Francisco

2... At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.

'Big breaths,'. . .. I instructed.

'Yes, they used to be,'. . . Replied the patient.

Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.

Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications.

Which one?'. .. .. I asked. 'The patch...

The Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!'

I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see.

Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!

Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair , Norfolk , VA

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, 'How long have you been bedridden?'

After a look of complete confusion she answered .. . .

' Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.'

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson- Corvallis , OR

6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked . .. ..'So how's your breakfast this morning?' It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste. Bob replied.

I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'

Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf , Detroit

7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered . . .

It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery...

When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there was a Tattoo that read . . .' Keep off the grass.'

Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said 'Sorry . . . Had to mow the lawn.'

Submitted by RN no name

AND FINALLY!! ! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ..


8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams... To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.

The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing And further embarrassing me.

I looked up from my work and sheepishly said...'I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?'

She replied with tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard...

' No doctor but the song you were whistling was...

' I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener .'

Dr. Wouldn't submit his name....



1 MORE


Baby's First Doctor Visit

This made me laugh out loud. I hope it will give you a smile!

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

'Breast-fed,' she replied..

'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.

She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.'

"I know," she said, 'I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."

The Bacon Tree


Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says.........

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Is, Luis, eet sure smell like bacon. "

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon ... Every imaginable kind of cured pork.

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved! Ees a bacon tree!"

"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."

"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree!"

And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath....

"Pepe... Go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"

"Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it?"

"Pepe.. ees not a bacon tree. Ees....


Ees.....

Ees....



Ees....

Ees..


Ees....




Ees..... a ham bush...."

TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS AND DECIDE TO HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN.

AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL.

THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS AND WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER, 'GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED. THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I'M NOT WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM. THEY WON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.'


THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS.

AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS, 'YOU KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD!'

'DEAD?' SAYS HIS FRIEND, 'WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?'

'WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER.'

HIS FRIEND SAYS, 'COULD BE WORSE. I THINK MINE WAS A WITCH.'

'A WITCH ??. . WHY in the world WOULD YOU SAY THAT?'


'WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE NECK, AND I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE, THEN SHE FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW..... TOOK MY TEETH WITH HER!"

Florida

A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-95, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Florida State Trooper, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this!" and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch, then said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding--a reason I've never before heard -- I'll let you go."

The old gentleman paused then said: "Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.

"Have a good day, Sir," replied the trooper.


Georgia

The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "Y'all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help.  If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everthang but my earrings."


Louisiana

A senior citizen in Louisiana was overheard saying ... "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana."


When asked why, he replied, "I'd rather be in Louisiana 'cause everythang happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the world."


Mississippi

The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"

Bubba replied, "Did y'all see who it was?"


The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."


North Carolina

A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.


A passerby studied the scene as he drove by, and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.


The man replied, "I got a flat tahr."


The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"


The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither."


Tennessee

A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"


The driver replied, "Bout whut?"


Texas

The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head."


"Yep," he replied. "That's why I'm dumpin' it here, 'cause it says: 'Fine For Dumping Garbage.' "



***


Y'all kin say whut ya want 'bout the South, but ya never heard'a nobody
retirin' an' movin' up North.

The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.

He is at the Pearly Gates. However, the gates are closed, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.

The gatekeeper said, 'Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven.

Forrest responds, 'It sure is good to be here, sir. But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. I sure hope the test ain't too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was.'

The gatekeeper continued, 'Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.

First:
What two days of the week begin, with the letter T?

Second:
How many seconds are there in a year?

Third:
What is God's first name?

Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says, 'Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers.'

Forrest replied, 'Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begins with the letter 'T'? Shucks, that would be Today and Tomorrow.'

The gatekeeper's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, 'Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?'

How many seconds in a year?'

Now that one is harder,' replied Forrest, 'but I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve.'

Astounded, the gatekeeper said, 'Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year ?

Forrest replied, 'Shucks, there's got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd......

'Hold it, interrupts the gatekeeper. 'I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind... but I will have to give you credit for that one, too. Let us go on with the third and final question.

Can you tell me God's first name'?

'Sure,' Forrest replied, it's Andy. '

'Andy?' exclaimed the exasperated and frustrated gatekeeper. Ok, I can understand how you came up with the answers to my earlier questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?

You are going to love this
....
Shucks, that was the easiest one of all,' Forrest replied. I learnt it from the song,

ANDY WALKS WITH ME,

ANDY TALKS WITH ME,

ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN.'

The gate keeper opened the Pearly Gates, and said:"Run, Forrest, run"