The Humor Train

Puns for the educated....

1. King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war
with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates ,
the most valuable diamond in the ancient world.

Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan.

Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it."

"But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested.

"Don't you know who I am? I am the king!"

Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star,
makes no difference who you are."

---------------------

2. Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid
bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss League records were destroyed in a
fire, and so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

---------------------

3. A man rushed into a busy doctor's surgery and shouted,
"Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responded,
"Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

---------------------

4. An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the
Medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long,
thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off,
chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the
medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling.
The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended,
but the malady lingers on."

----------------------

5. A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name
missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the
local civic official, who apologized profusely, saying, "I must have taken
Leif off my census."

----------------------

6. There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an
elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became
pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy.
The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This just goes to
prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws
of the other two hides.
-----------------------

7. A skeptical anthropologist was cataloguing South American folk remedies
with the assistance of a tribal elder who indicated that the leaves of a
particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation.
When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the elder looked him in the
eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don't need
enemas."

Better than money

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex."

Confucius Did Not Say.....

Man who wants pretty nurse must be patient.

Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

Lady who goes camping with man must beware of evil intent.

Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts.

Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.

Man who runs in front of car gets tired, but man who runs behind car gets exhausted.

Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.

War does not determine who is right; it determines who is left.

Man who fights with wife all day get no piece at night.

It takes many nails to build a crib, but only one screw to fill it.

Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.

Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

Wise man does not keep sledge hammer and slow computer in same room.

Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.

And, Confucius Really Did Not Say...

"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!"

God's plan for aging

Most seniors never get enough exercise.

In His Wisdom God decreed that seniors become forgetful so
they would have to search for their glasses, keys and other
things thus doing more walking. And God looked down and saw
that it was good.

Then God saw there was another need. In His Wisdom He made
seniors lose coordination so they would drop things
requiring them to bend, reach & stretch.

And God looked down and saw that it was good

Then God considered the function of bladders and decided seniors
would have additional calls of nature requiring more trips
to the bathroom, thus providing more exercise. God looked
down and saw that it was good


So if you find as you age, you are getting up and down more,
remember it’s God’s will. It is all in your best
interest even though you mutter under your breath.

Nine Important Facts to Remember as You Grow Older

#9
Death is the number 1 killer in the
world.

#8
Life is sexually transmitted.

#7
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which
one can die.

#6
Men have 2 motivations: hunger and hanky panky, and they
can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes,
make him a sandwich.

#5
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a
person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for
weeks, months, maybe years.

#4
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the
hospital, dying of nothing.

#3
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no
attention to criticism.

#2
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.
Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it
normal.

#1
Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today
may be a burning issue tomorrow.

Don't ignore this message. This is your only warning.

The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.

He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them . As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.

Obviously they were thinking, ' That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them. '

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them.
This time the old woman said ' No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything. '

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked ' What is it you are waiting for? '

She answered --


' THE TEETH. '

My Favorite Animal

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."

She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right because everyone else laughed.

My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.

I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA.

He said they love animals very much.

I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.

Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.

I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.

I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.

She sent me back to the principal's office.

He laughed and told me not to do it again.

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most.

I told her, "Colonel Sanders."

Guess where the Hell I am now...

The Year Was 1955

Did   you hear the post office is  thinking about charging 7 cents just to mail a letter?
                                                                   
If they raise the minimum wage  to $1.00, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store.
                                                                   
When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 25 cents a gallon?
Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage.

Did you see where some baseball  player just signed a contract for   $50,000 a year just to play ball?
It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the president.

I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric.  
They're even making electric typewriters now.
                                                         
It's too bad things are so tough nowadays.   I see where a few married women are having  to work to make ends meet .
                                                         
It won't be long before young  couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work .
                                                                   
I'm afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business .                                                                                                                                        
Thank goodness I won't live to see  the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes.
I sometimes  wonder if we are  electing the best people to  government.
                                                                   
The fast food restaurant is convenient for a quick meal, but I seriously doubt they  will ever catch on.
                                                                   
There is no sense going on short trips any more for a weekend.  
It costs nearly $2.00 a night to stay in a hotel .                                                                    
                                                                     
No one can afford to be sick anymore.  At $15.00 a day in the hospital, it's too rich for my blood.
                                                                   
If they think I'll pay 30 cents for a haircut, forget it.

Last message about my dog!

IN RESPONSE TO ALL THE RECENT E-MAILS ABOUT OUR DOG: PLEASE BE ADVISED, WE ARE SICK AND TIRED OF ANSWERING QUESTIONS ABOUT HIM.

YES, HE BIT SIX PEOPLE WEARING BIDEN T-SHIRTS, FOUR PEOPLE WEARING PELOSI T-SHIRTS, TWO CAR DRIVERS WITH RAP MUSIC BLARING FROM THEIR VEHICLES, NINE TEENAGERS WITH PANTS HANGING PAST THEIR ASS CRACKS, THREE FLAG BURNERS, AND A PAKISTANI TAXI DRIVER.

FOR THE LAST TIME. . .THE DOG IS NOT FOR SALE!

NO, I DO NOT APPROVE OF HIS SMOKING, BUT HE SAYS IT HELPS GET THE "BAD TASTE" OUT OF HIS MOUTH.

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding. Can I see your license and registration please?

Woman: Sorry, I lost it for drunk driving.

Officer: Registration?

Woman: I can't do that. I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?
Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner. His body is in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police units surround the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, step out of your vehicle. Now!

Woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: You stole this car and murdered the owner?

Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Open the trunk, please.

The woman opens the trunk. Empty.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Woman: Of course it is, here’s my licence and registration.

Officer 2: Why did you tell the traffic officer you didn't have a license, that you stole the car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner?

Woman: He must be crazy. I bet he told you I was speeding, too.

A young Arab asks his father, "What is that weird hat you are wearing?"

The father said, "Why, it's a 'chechia' because in the desert it protects our heads from the sun."

"And what is this type of clothing that you are wearing?" asked the young man.
"It's a 'djbellah' because in the desert it is very hot and it protects the body." said the father.

The son asked, "And what about those ugly shoes on your feet?

His father replied, "These are 'babouches", which keep us from burning our feet in the desert."

" Tell me," added the boy.

"Yes, my son?"

"Why are you living in Dearborn, Michigan and still wearing all this shit?

*Have you ever wondered what happened to the 56 men who signed the
Declaration of Independence? *


*Five signers were captured by the British as traitors, and tortured before
they died. *

*Twelve had their homes ransacked and burned. *

*Two lost their sons serving in the Revolutionary Army; another had two
sons captured. *

*Nine of the 56 fought and died from wounds or hardships of the
Revolutionary War. *

*They signed and they pledged their lives, their fortunes, and their sacred
honor. *


*What kind of men were they? *

*Twenty-four were lawyers and jurists. *

*Eleven were merchants, nine were farmers and large plantation owners; men
of means, well-educated, but they signed the Declaration of Independence
knowing full well that the penalty would be death if they were captured. *

*Carter Braxton of Virginia, a wealthy planter and trader, saw his ships
swept from the seas by the British Navy. He sold his home and properties to
pay his debts, and died in rags. *

*Thomas McKeam was so hounded by the British that he was forced to move his
family almost constantly. He served in the Congress without pay, and his
family was kept in hiding. His possessions were taken from him, and poverty
was his reward. *

*Vandals or soldiers looted the properties of Dillery, Hall, Clymer,
Walton, Gwinnett, Heyward, Ruttledge, and Middleton. *


*At the battle of Yorktown, Thomas Nelson,Jr., noted that the British
General Cornwallis had taken over the Nelson home for his headquarters. He
quietly urged General George Washington to open fire. The home was
destroyed, and Nelson died bankrupt. *

*Francis Lewis had his home and properties destroyed. The enemy jailed his
wife, and she died within a few months. *

*John Hart was driven from his wife's bedside as she was dying. Their 13
children fled for their lives. His fields and his gristmill were laid to
waste. For more than a year he lived in forests and caves, returning home
to find his wife dead and his children vanished. *

*So, take a few minutes while enjoying your 4th of July holiday and
silently thank these patriots. It's not much to ask for the price they
paid. *

*Remember: freedom is never free ! We thank these early patriots, as well
as those patriots now fighting to KEEP our freedom! *

Garage Door.

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open.

His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?'

The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office, puzzled by the question.

As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up.

He then understood his assistant's question about his garage door.

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Jaguar parked in there?'

She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old minivan with two flat tires.'

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'

Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'

'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'

'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: 'So I hear you're getting married?'

'Yep!'

'Do I know her?'

'Nope!'

'This woman, is she good looking?'

'Not really.'

'Is she a good cook?'

'Naw, she can't cook too well.'

'Does she have lots of money?'

'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'

'Well, then, is she good in bed?'

'I don't know.'

'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'

'Because she can still drive!'

Three old guys are out walking.

First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'

Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'

Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'

A man was telling his neighbour, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'

'Really,' answered the neighbour. 'What kind is it?'

'Twelve thirty.'

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'

'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

Morris , an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'

Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''

The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur. Be careful!'

Paddy took two stuffed dogs to the 'Antiques Roadshow'.

"Ooh!" said the presenter, "This is a very rare set, produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of the twentieth century. Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?"

"...Sticks?" Paddy replied.

An Obituary printed in the London Times.....Absolutely Dead Brilliant!!

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years.

No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.

He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:

- Knowing when to come in out of the rain;

- Why the early bird gets the worm;

- Life isn't always fair;

- And maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned, but overbearing regulations were set in place.

Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death,

-by his parents, Truth and Trust,

-by his wife, Discretion,

-by his daughter, Responsibility,

-and by his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 5 stepbrothers;

- I Know My Rights

- I Want It Now

- Someone Else Is To Blame

- I am A Victim

- Pay me for Doing Nothing



Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

How children perceive their Grandparents...

1.She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before.After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Grandma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye...

2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 80. My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"

3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice,
"Who was THAT?"

4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like. "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods."

The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo and I said, "No, how are we alike?'' "You're both old," he replied.

6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story.

"What's it about?" he asked.

"I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."

7. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these colors yourself!"

8. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."

9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised "Mine says I'm 4 to 6."

10.. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool.
"That's interesting." she said... "How do you make babies?"

"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."

11. Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant."

The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.

"Sure," said the young boy confidently. 'It means carrying a child."

12. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties.

"They use him to keep crowds back," said one child.

"No," said another. "He's just for good luck.."

A third child brought the argument to a close.

"They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."

13. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. "Oh," he said, "she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the airport."

14. Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good things, but I don't get to see him enough to get as smart as him!

15. My Grandparents are funny, when they bend over, you hear gas leaks and they blame their dog.

ROMANCE

An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.

She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.

A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me."

Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my Neck."

Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.

"Where are you going?" she asked.

"To get my teeth!"
______________________________

DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTRE

80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds
her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in
my hand can have sex with me tonight!"

An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"

Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."

______________________________

OLD FRIENDS


Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me... I know we've been friends for a long time but I just can't think of your name. I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said,

"How soon do you need to Know?"
______________________________

SENIOR DRIVING


As a senior citizen was driving down the motorway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, " Vernon , I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on M25. Please be careful!"

"Hell," said Vernon , "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
______________________________