The Humor Train

Q: What do you call a gay drive by?
A: "a fruit roll up."

Q: Why can't gays drive faster than 68mph?
A: Because at 69 they blow a rod.

Q: What do you call a gay cowboy?
A: A Jolly Rancher!

Q: Why are gays happy that they have nutsacks
A: Because they use them as mudflaps.

Q: What do gay kids get for Christmas?
A: Erection Sets.

Q: What do you call a homosexual dentist?
A: Tooth fairy

Q: What's the difference between a refridgerator and a homo?
A: The fridge doesn't fart when you pull the meat out!

Q: What do the rabbis do with foreskin after a circumsicion?
A: Give it to the gays for chewing gum!

Q: What did one gay sperm say to another?
A: "How do we find an egg in all of this shit?"

Q: What do you call a gay boxer?
A: Fruit Punch!

Q: What did the moose say after leaving the gay bar?
A: Man, I blew like 50 bucks in there.

Q: What do you call a gay Ginger?
A: Flaming.

Q: What do you call a bouncer in a gay bar?
A: Flamethrower.

Q: What do you call a 5-Man gay mariachi band?
A: Juan Direction

Q: What do you get when you cross an eskimo and a gay guy?
A: A snowblower.

Q: How can you make a gay man scream twice?
A: Fudge him real hard. Then wipe your dick off on his curtains.

Q. How can you tell if a novel is homosexual?
A. The hero always gets his man in the end.

Q: How does a gay guy fake an orgasm?
A: He spits on his back.

Q: How do you say homosexual in Jewish?
A: heblew.

I bet the first gay Transformer will morph into a Prius.

Q: What does one gay say to another homo sitting at the bar?
A: "Do you mind if I push in your stool?"

Q: What do you call a phone that gay men can't use?
A: a Homophone.

Q: What is Gay Pride?
A: a group of homosexual lions.

Q: What drink can you order at a gay bar?
A: LGB-Tea.

Q: Did you hear about the gay vegetarian?
A: He still eats meat.

Q: What do gay termites Eat?
A: MaleBoxes.

Q: What do you call two gay Scottish dudes?
A: Gay-Licks!

Q: Why don't gays shop at Sports Authority? A: Because they prefer Dick's

Q: What do you call a First Order male orgy?
A: Pylo Men.

Q: What does a homo say to another gay going on vacation?
A: Can I help you pack your shit?

Q: Did you hear about the homosexual electron?
A: Went around blowing fuses.

Q: Why is Fred Flinstone a closet homosexual?
A: He has a gay old time

Q: Why is Edward Cullen a homosexual?
A: Vampires burn in the sunlight, Gays sparkle!

Q: Did you hear about the homosexual letter?
A: Only came in male boxes.

Q: What did the 2 condoms walking down the street say?
A: Lets go into that gay bar and get shitfaced".

Q: Why don't blondes in San Francisco wear short black mini skirts?
A: Cause their balls show!

Q. What do you call a gay dinosaur?
A. Mega-saur-ass

Q. Did you hear about the two homosexual judges?
A. They tried each other.

Q. Did you know 75% of the gay population were born that way?
A. The other 25% were sucked into it.

Q: What do you call a gay Jamaican guy?
A: Pokemon

Q: How do you know if a police officer is gay?
A: The smell of his mustache.

Q: What do doctors prescribe for a sore asshole?
A: Bengay. ("Been gay.")

Q: What do gay men call hemorrhoids?
A: Speed bumps.

Q: What do you call two gay Irish men?
A: Patrick Fitzgerald and Gerald Fitzpatrick.

Q: Did you hear about the two gay guys that had an argument in the bar?
A: They went outside to exchange blows.

Q: What does a gay horse eat?
A: HAAAAYYYYYYY.

Q. Did you hear about the gay truckers?
A. They exchanged loads.

Q: Why was the snowman so horny?
A: Because he saw a plow truck.

Q: What's the difference between a hobo and a homo?
A: a hobo doesnt have any friends, but a homo has friends up the ass

Q: What do you call a gay Chinese man?
A: Chui mi Wang

Q: Why was the gay embarrassed when he was caught blowing the well-hung black boy?
A: Because he was caught with a foot in his mouth.

Q: What do you call a gay in a wheelchair?
A: a fruit roll-up.

Word Test

See if you can do this. Read each line aloud without making any mistakes. If you make a mistake you MUST start over or it won't work.


This is this cat

This is is cat

This is how cat

This is to cat

This is keep cat

This is a cat

This is dumbass cat

This is busy cat

This is for cat

This is forty cat

This is seconds cat

Now go back and read the THIRD word in each line from the top...

A couple has just celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary.

The woman asks her husband, "What did you think of me when you first met me?"

The husband replies, "I wanted to screw your brains out and suck your hooters dry."

The woman then asks, "What do think of me now?"

To which the husband replies, "I think I did a pretty good job."

Three rough-looking bikers stomp into a truck stop where a grizzled old-timer is having breakfast.

One of the bikers extinguishes his cigarette in the old guy’s pancakes.

The second biker spits a wad of chewing tobacco into his coffee.

The third biker dumps the whole plate onto the floor.

Without a word of protest, the old guy pays his bill and leaves.

“Not much of a man, was he?” says one of the bikers.

“Not much of a driver, either,” says the waitress. “He just backed his truck over three motorcycles.”

A cop pulls a guy over. ‘Is there a problem officer?’ asks the driver.

'Your wife fell out the passenger door three miles back,’ says the cop.

‘Thank god!' says the driver. ‘I thought I’d gone deaf!'

A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.

What are you doing?" she exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator.

"What are you doing?" he exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. NO, not in the living room, she said to herself.

Instead, she found her husband watching the Super Bowl on television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.

"What are you doing?" she exclaimed.

"Watching the game with my son-in-law."

A Blonde walks up to a soda machine, puts in a quarter and as the drink falls out, she laughs.

Again, she puts in a quarter and as the soda falls out she laughs.

She does this again and again, laughing hysterically every time. Eventually, catching the attention of a group of strangers near by.

One of the strangers walks over and asks with a puzzling look on his face," Ma'am, what on Earth are you doing? "

The blonde turns around, rolls her eyes, laughs and says " winning! Duh! "

George found Tim lying beside the road after a car accident. Tim was crying hysterically.

George stopped and ran to him. "Tim! Are you all right?"

Tim moaned and said "Look at my new car!" pointing to it, wrapped around a tree.

"Hey, man. Don't cry. You can always get another car."

"But look inside the car."

George did and said, "Aw, dude, that's terrible. But don't cry! You can always get another girlfriend."

Tim wailed "Look inside her mouth..!"

Q: Why do Marquette grads keep their diplomas on their dashboards?
A: So they can park in handicap spaces.

Q: What is the definition of safe sex down in Wisconsin?
A: Placing signs on the animals that kick.

Q. Why do they sell so many button-fly jeans in Wisconsin?
A. Because the sheep can hear the zippers a mile away.

Q. How do they separate the men from the boys in Wisconsin?
A. With a restraining order.

Q: What did the Wisconsin female say after sex?
A: Get off me Dad, you're crushing my smokes!

John, a well-to-do bachelor, invited his mother over for dinner one night. During the meal, Mom couldn’t help notice how attractive and shapely the house keeper was, and wondered if there was more going on than meets the eye.

John sensing what his mother was thinking said to her: “I know what you’re thinking, Mom, but I assure you my relationship with the house keeper is purely professional.”

A week later, the house keeper told John that ever since his mother’s visit a silver gravy ladle has been missing. John sent his mother a note which said: “Mom, I’m not saying you did take the gravy ladle, and I’m not saying you didn’t, but the fact remains one has been missing since you were here”.

A few days later he receives a note from his mother. “John: I’m not saying you sleep with your housekeeper, nor am I saying you’re not. But the fact remains that if she were sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now."

Love, Mom

A beautiful woman loved growing a vegetable garden but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red.

Then one day while she was taking a stroll she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes. The woman asked the gentleman, "Sir, what do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"

The gentleman responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden butt naked; my tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."

The woman was so impressed that she decided to try the same thing with her garden. So, twice a day for the next two weeks she flashed her garden, hoping for the best.

Once day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "Hey, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"

"No," she replied, "But my cucumbers are enormous!"

A nun, badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into a local Hooters restaurant. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while, the lights would turn off.

Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, “May I please use the restroom? The bartender replied, “OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.”

“Well, in that case I’ll just look the other way,” said the nun.

So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant, and she proceeded to the restroom. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.

She went to the bartender and said, “Sir, I don’t understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?”

“Well, now they know you’re one of us, “said the bartender, “Would you like a drink?”

“But, I still don’t understand,” said the puzzled nun.

“You see,” laughed the bartender, “every time the fig leaf on the statue is lifted up, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?”

Luigi walked 20 blocks to and from work and passed by a shoe store every day. Each day he stopped and looked in the window to admire a pair of Armani leather shoes. He wanted those shoes so much that it was all he could think about. After about two months he saved up $300 and purchased them.

Every Friday night the Italian community holds a dance in the church basement. Luigi seized this opportunity to wear his new Armani leather shoes for the first time. He asked Sophia to dance and, as they dance, he asked her, "Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?"

Startled, Sophia replied, "Yes, Luigi, I do wear red panties tonight but how do you know this?"

Luigi answered, "I see the reflection in my new $300 Armani leather shoes. How do you like them?"

Next he asked Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes Luigi asked her, "Rosa, do you wear white panties tonight?"

Rosa answered, "Why yes, Luigi, I do. But how do you know that?"

Luigi again answered, "I see the reflection in my new $300 Armani leather shoes. How do you like them?"

As the evening was almost over and the last song was being played, Luigi asked Carmela to dance. Midway through the dance Luigi's face turned red and he stated, "Carmela, be stilla my heart! Please, please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight! Please, please, please tell me thissa true!"

Carmela smiles coyly and answered, "Yeah, Luigi, I wear no panties tonight."

Luigi gasped, "Thank you. Thank you. I thought I had a crack in my new $300 Armani leather shoes."

A father put his three-year-old daughter to bed, told her a story, and listened to her prayers, which she ended by saying, “God bless Mommy, God bless daddy, God bless grandma, and good-bye grandpa.”

The father asked, “Why did you say good-bye grandpa?”

The little girl said, “I don’t know, daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do.”

The next day, grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later, the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which went like this: “God bless Mommy, God bless daddy, and good-bye grandma.”

The next day, the grandmother died. “Oh, my gosh,” thought the father, “this kid is in contact with the other side.”

Several weeks later, when the girl was going to bed, the dad heard her say: “God bless Mommy and good-bye daddy.”

He practically went into shock. He couldn’t sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight, he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day, he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch, and jumping at every sound.

Finally, midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief, and went home. When he got home, his wife said, “I’ve never seen you work so late, what’s the matter?”

He said, “I don’t want to talk about it, I’ve just spent the worst day of my life.”

She said, “You think you had a bad day, you’ll never believe what happened to me. This morning the milkman dropped dead on our porch.”

in the late 1700's, three white European explorers entered the camp of the Bad River Band Chippewa Tribe at Lapointe on Madeline Island. This is the long time capital and cultural/religious center of the Ojibwe AKA Chippewa Nation.

They were immediately captured by Chippewa warriors.

Fortunately, the chief "John Smith" clearly had previous encounters with traders and spoke enough English at the time to speak with the explorers and determined the explorers were there to annex lands for white settler use.

The Chief immediately restrained them as was customary to restraining enemies of the tribe.

Then one by one he asked the captives "You wanna boomba or you want em death".

The first explorer said, "I don't want to die so I guess I'll take boomba, what ever that is". So the warriors quickly tied him over a log and began taking turns fucking him in the as until he was almost dead and then released him into the forest. He was free.

The Chief turned to the second explorer and said the same thing, "You wanna boomba or you want em death". The second explorer thought for a moment and said "well I dont want to die either so I guess I'll take boomba too". So the warriors quickly tied him over a log and began taking turns fucking him in the as until he was almost dead and then released him into the forest. He was free.

The Chief now turned to the third captive and asked, "You wanna boomba or you want em death". Now this guy thought he would be smarter and that they really wouldn't kill him so he replied to the chief, "I think I'll take death".

The Chief then replied, "Do em boomba till he's dead".

A man goes to visit his 89 year old grandfather in the nursing home. He asks, "How are you doing, Grandpa?"

"Feeling just fine," Grandpa answers with a smile.

The grandson asks, "How is the food here?"

"Terrific!" replies Grandpa. "Wonderful menus. And the nursing just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take great care of me."

"What about sleeping? Do you sleep well?" inquires the grandson.

"Oh, no problem at all. Nine hours solid every night. At 10:00 they bring me a cup of hot cocoa and a V*i*a*g*r*a pill, and that's it; I go out like a light." replies Grandpa.

The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this so he goes to question the nurse in charge. "What are you people doing?" he asks. "I'm told you're giving an 89 year old man V*i*a*g*r*a on a nightly basis. Surely that can't be true."

"Oh yes," replies the nurse. "Every night at 10:00pm, we give him a cup of cocoa and a V*i*a*g*r*a tablet. It works wonderfully well. The hot cocoa helps him sleep and the V*i*a*g*r*a stops him from rolling out of bed."

8 year old Bobby asked his mom, "Hey Mom, how can you live without food?"

"What do you mean, Bobby? I eat every day," she replied.

Bobby says, "But I heard Dad tell his friend that you haven't swallowed since college."

A guy and a girl go out on a first date...

Guy: "So, what kind of movies do you like?"

Girl: "I really love movies where I need a tissue."

Guy: "Oh my god! Me too!"

The other day the wife and I got into some petty argument. (I say it was petty. She would have said it was Armageddon.)

As is our nature, neither of us would admit the possibility that we might be in error.

To her credit she finally said, ‘Look. I’ll tell you what. I’ll admit I’m wrong if you admit I was right.’

‘Fine.’ I said.

She took a deep breath, looked me in the eye and said, ‘I’m wrong.’

I grinned and replied, ‘You’re right.’

The other day the wife and I got into some petty argument. (I say it was petty. She would have said it was Armageddon.)

As is our nature, neither of us would admit the possibility that we might be in error.

To her credit she finally said, ‘Look. I’ll tell you what. I’ll admit I’m wrong if you admit I was right.’

‘Fine.’ I said.

She took a deep breath, looked me in the eye and said, ‘I’m wrong.’

I grinned and replied, ‘You’re right.’

A redneck went to the hospital as his wife was having their babies.

Upon arriving, he sat down as the nurse said "Congratulations, your wife has had triplets, 3 big baby boys."

The redneck said "I'm not surprised, I have a PEN IS the size of a chimney!"

The nurse replied, "Well you might want to get it cleaned because they all came out black."

A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist.

The doctor took one look at her and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately told her to undress.

After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. He asked her, “Do you know what I’m doing?”

“Yes,” she replied, “you’re checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities.”

“That is right,” said the doctor.

He then began to fondle her breasts. “Do you know what I’m doing now?” he asked.

“Yes,” the woman said, “you’re checking for any lumps or breast cancer.”

“Correct,” replied the shady doctor.

Finally, he mounts his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, “Do you know what I’m doing now?”

“Yes,” she said. “You’re getting herpes which is why I came here in the first place.”