Jew Stuff, Jokes, and Trivia

An Arab family was considering putting their grandfather in a nursing
home.

Since most of the facilities were completely full, they had to put him
in a Jewish home. After a few weeks in the Jewish facility, they came
to visit Grandpa.

"How do you like it here?" asks the grandson.

"It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," says
Grandpa.

"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong
place for you. You know, since you are a little different from
everyone."

"Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents
here," Grandpa says with a big smile.

"There's a musician here -- he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the
violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'!"

"There is a judge in here -- he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the
bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him 'Your Honor'!"

And there's a physician here -- 90 years old. He hasn't been
practicing medicine for 25 years and everyone still calls him 'Doctor'!"

"And what about you Grandpa" - asks the grandson.

"And me...., I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me
'The fucking Arab!"

FUNERAL EXPENSES

Obama goes on a State visit to Israel . While he is on a tour of
Jerusalem , he has a fatal heart attack.

The undertakers tells the US diplomats: "You can have him shipped
home for $1 million or you can bury him here in the Holy Land for $100."

The US diplomats go into a huddle and come back to the undertaker and
tell him they still want Obama flown home.

The undertaker is puzzled and asks: "Why would you spend $1 million
to get him home when it would be wonderful to be buried here in this
religious country and you would only spend $100?"

One diplomat replied: "More than 2000 years ago a man died here, was
buried here, and just 3 days later he rose from the dead. "We simply
can't take that risk".

Four Jewish brothers left home for college, and eventually, they became successful doctors, and lawyers and prospered.

Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together.

They discussed the gifts that they were able to give to their elderly mother, who lived far away in another city.

The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."

The second said, "I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house."

The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver her a SL 600 with a chauffeur."

The fourth said, "Listen to this. You know how Mama loved reading the Torah and you know she can't anymore because she can't see very well. I met this Rabbi who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Torah. It took twenty rabbis 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute £100,000 a year for twenty years to the temple, but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it." The other brothers were impressed.

After the holidays Mama sent out her Thank You notes.

Milton - Bubbeleh, the house you built is so huge, I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway.

Marvin - Mine Shayne Kindeleh. I am too old to travel. I stay home. I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes and the driver you hired is a Nazi. The thought was good. Thanks.

Menachim - Tataleh, you give me an expensive theatre with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead. I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same.

Dearest Melvin - You were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious.

A rabbi was walking down the street when, suddenly, a strong gust of wind blew his  hat off his head. The rabbi ran after his hat but the wind was so strong it kept blowing his hat farther and farther away.  He just couldn't catch up with it.

A young gentile man, witnessing this event and being more fit than the rabbi, ran after the hat and caught it. The young gentile man handed the hat over to the rabbi. The rabbi was so pleased and grateful that he gave the man twenty dollars, put his hand on the man's head and
blessed him. The young man was very excited about both the tip and the blessing.

The young gentile decided to take his new found wealth to the racetrack. He bet the entire $20 on the first race that he could.

After the races the young man returned home and recounted his very exciting day at the races to his father.

"I arrived at the fifth race," said the young man. "I looked at the racing program and saw a horse by the name of Top Hat was running. The odds on this horse were 100-to-1. It was the longest shot in the field."

"After saving the rabbi's hat, having received the rabbi's blessing, gotten the $20, and seeing Top Hat in the fifth race, I thought this was a message from God.  So, I bet the entire 20 dollars on Top Hat, and an amazing thing happened.  The horse that was the longest shot and who did not have the slightest chance to even show, came in first by 5 lengths."

"You must have made a fortune," said the father.

"Well yes, $2000. But wait, it gets better," replied the son.

"In the following race, a horse by the name of Stetson was running. The odds on the horse were 30 to 1. Stetson being some kind of hat and again thinking of the rabbi's blessing and his hat, I decided to bet all my winnings on this horse."

"What happened?" asked the excited father.

"Stetson came in like a rocket.  Now I had $60,000!"

"Are you telling me you brought home all this money?"
asked his excited father.

"No," said the son. "I lost it all on the next race. There was a horse in this race named Chateau, which is French for hat.  So I decided to bet all the money on Chateau, but the horse broke down and came in last."

"Hat in French is "Chapeau" not "Chateau" you moron," said the father.  "You lost all of the money because of your ignorance. Tell me, what horse won the race?"

The son answered, "A long shot from Japan named Yarmalka.”

The Estate of Morris Schwartz

Morris Schwartz is dying and is on his deathbed. He is with his nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, and knows the end is near.

So he says to them: "Bernie, I want you to take the Beverly Hills houses."

"Sybil, take the apartments over in Los Angeles Plaza ."

"Hymie, I want you to take the offices over in City Center ."

"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings downtown"

The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Morris slips away, she says to the wife, "Mrs. Schwartz, your husband must have been such a hard working man to have accumulated so much property."

Sarah replies, "Property shmoperty...the schmuck had a newspaper route."

A little NY humor for those of you from out of town, or not Members of the Tribe.

GREEN EGGS AND WHAT?

The National Education Association is celebrating "Read Across America " by encouraging adults to read to children. Of course, Green Eggs and Ham is one of the most popular Dr. Seuss books. And, there's the dilemma. How can Jewish kids celebrate with green Eggs and HAM? So, in honor of (and with apologies to the estate of Dr. Seuss) here's a new ending for the story:

Will you never see?

They are not KOSHER, So let me be!

I will not eat green eggs and ham.

I will not eat them, Sam-I-am

But I'll eat green eggs with a biscuit!

Or I will try them with some brisket.

I'll eat green eggs in a box.

If you serve them with some lox.

And those green eggs are worth a try

Scrambled up in matzo brie!

And in a boat upon the river,

I'll eat green eggs with chopped liver!

So if you're a Jewish Dr. Seuss fan,

But troubled by green eggs and ham,

Let your friends in on the scoop:

Green eggs taste best with chicken soup!


AND ... ..

Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream is now available in Israel ... In the following flavors:

Wailing Walnut

Moish mellow

Mazel Toffee

Chazalnut

Oy Ge-malt

Mi Ka-mocha.

Soda & Gamorra

Bernard Malamint

Berry Pr'i Hagafen

Choc-Eilat Chip

and finally (drum roll, please) ... Simchas T'oreo.

It should also be noted that all these flavors come in a Cohen

A Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.

Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian man walking a dog on a leash.

Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.
   
The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the Italian man walking the dog and said:
 
"I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen an Italian funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
 
"My wife's."
 
''What happened to her?"
   
"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."
 
He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"
 
The Italian man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."
 
A very poignant and touching moment of Jewish and Italian brotherhood and silence passed between the two men..
 
The Jewish man then asked "Can I borrow the dog?"
 
   The Italian man replied, "Get in line.

A young Jewish Mom walks her son to the school bus corner on his first day of kindergarten.

"Behave, mine bubaleh" she says.

"Take good care of yourself and think about your mother, mine tataleh!"

"And come right back home on the bus, schain kindaleh."

"Your Mommy loves you a lot, mine ketsaleh!"

At the end of the school day the bus comes back and she runs to her son and hugs him.

"So what did mine pupaleh learn on his first day of school?"

The boy answers, "I learned my name is David!"

MEAL TIME ON EL-AL

It was mealtime during a flight on El-Al.

"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked Moishe, seated in front.

"What are my choices?" Moishe asked.

"Yes or no," she replied.

THE PARKING SPACE

Moishe is driving in Jerusalem . He's late for a meeting, he's looking for a parking place, and can't find one.

In desperation, he turns towards heaven and says: "Lord, if you find me a parking place, I promise that I'll eat only kosher, respect Shabbos, and all the holidays."

Miraculously, a place opens up just in front of him. He turns his face up to heaven and says, "Never mind, I just found one!"

PHILANTHROPY

A visitor to Israel attended a recital and concert at the Moscovitz Auditorium. He was quite impressed with the architecture and the acoustics.

He inquired of the tour guide, "Is this magnificent auditorium named after Chaim Moscovitz, the famous Talmudic scholar?"

"No," replied the guide. "It is named after Sam Moscovitz, the writer."

"Never heard of him. What did he write?"

"A check", replied the guide.

THE CITIZENSHIP TEST

Saul Epstein was taking an oral exam in his English as a Second Language class.

He was asked to spell "cultivate," and he spelled it correctly.

He was then asked to use the word in a sentence, and, with a big smile, responded:

"Last vinter on a very cold day, I vas vaiting for a bus, but it vas too cultivate, so I took the subvay home."

THE MEZUZAHS

A wealthy Jewish man buys a fabulous home in Beverly Hills .

He brings in a local workman to decorate the place.

When the job is finished, the homeowner is delighted but realizes that he's forgotten to put mezuzahs on the doors.

He goes out and buys 50 mezuzahs and asks the decorator to place them on the right hand side of each door except bathrooms and kitchens.

He's really worried that the decorator will chip the paint work or won't put them up correctly. However, when he comes back a few hours later, he sees that the job has been carried out to his entire satisfaction.

He's so pleased that he gives the decorator a bonus.

As the decorator is walking out of the door he says, "Glad you're happy with the job. By the way, I took out all the warranties in the little boxes and left them on the table for you!"

HOW THE INTERNET STARTED

In ancient Israel , it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a healthy young wife by the name of Dorothy.

And Dot Com was a comely woman, Large of breast, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums.

And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.

To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP).

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. Indeed he did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."

And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as it came to be known.

He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."

And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."

"YAHOO," said Abraham.

And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.

Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside.

It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating

Everything (GOOGLE).

That is how it all began.

And that's the truth.

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.

So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?

"Morris Feinberg," he replied.

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."

"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."

"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man."

"I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a frigging wall."

THE GOLDEN TELEPHONE

While on vacation in Rome , I noticed a marble column in St. Peter's with a golden telephone on it. As a young priest passed by, I asked who the telephone was for. The priest told me it was a direct line to heaven, and if I'd like to call, it would be a thousand dollars. I was amazed, but declined the offer.

Throughout Italy , I kept seeing the same golden telephone on a marble column. At each, I asked about it and the answer was always the same:

It was a direct line to heaven and I could call for a thousand dollars.

Then - I continued my tour and arrived in Israel . I decided to attend temple services at a local synagogue. When I walked in the door I noticed the golden telephone. Underneath it there was a sign stating: "DIRECT LINE TO HEAVEN: 25 cents."

"Rabbi," I said, "I have been all over Italy and in all the cathedrals I visited, I've seen telephones exactly like this one. But the price is always a thousand dollars. Why is it that this one is only 25 cents?"

The rabbi smiled and said,"You're in Israel now. It's a local call."