The Humor Train

SUPERSEX


A little old lady who had lost her marbles was running up and down the halls in a nursing home.

As she ran, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex."

She ran up to an elderly man in a wheelchair, flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."

He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."
_______

DRIVING


Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to major crossroad. The stop light was red, but they just went on through.

The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another major junction and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous.

At the next junction, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh! Am I driving?"

RETARDED" GRANDPARENTS

Written by a third grader , on what his grandparents do.


After Christmas , a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school. One child wrote the following:

We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live in a big brick house , but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida . Now they live in a tin box that has wheels, but its strapped to the ground. They ride around on their bicycles , and wear name tags , because they don't know who they are anymore.

They go to a building called a wreck center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now, they do exercises there , but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool too, but they all just jump up and down in it with hats on. At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape.

Sometimes they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts. Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing every night - early birds. Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house. The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center for pot luck.

My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and , says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too. When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.

Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope.

The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday."

On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, "How did you do over the weekend?"

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."

"Seventeen people? That's wonderful. How did you do it? "

"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o.

Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs."

"That's admirable," says the judge.

Then he turns to the second guy. "And how did you do?"

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."

"Wow!" says the judge.

"156 people! How did you manage to do that?"

"Well, I used a similar diagram," the guy says.

"I drew two circles like this: o O.

Then I pointed to the little circle and said, 'This is your asshole before prison... '"

Lexiograms

1. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.

2. What's the definition of a will? It's a dead giveaway.

3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

4. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

5. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

6. If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

7. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

8. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

9. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

10. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum
Blownapart.

11. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

12. A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.

13. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

14. He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

15. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

16. When you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

17. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

18. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought
she'd dye.

19. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

20. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of
boiling water down your throat and presto. The blockage will be almost
instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting
someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply
using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for
a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use
a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you
from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze
button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you
will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will
forget about the toothache.

Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are:

You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and
should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

Remember:

Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.

If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance.

And finally, be really nice to your family and friends;
you never know when you might need them to empty your bedpan.

The way it was, and hasn't changed much since:

_______________________________________________________

My name be Eboneesha Li Herenandez, an African Hispanic
Asiatic-American Girl who jus got an award For being the best speler in
class.

I got 67% on the speling test and 30 points for being black, 5
points for not bringing drugs into class, 5 points for not bringing guns
into class, and 5 points for not getting pregnut during the cemester. It
be hard to beat a score of 120%.

The white dude who sit next to me is McGee from Ocala..
He got A 94% on the test but no xtra points on acount
of he have the same skin color as the opressirs of 150 years ago.

Granny ax me to thank all Dimocrafts and Liberals for suporting Afermative
action. You be showing da way to true equality. I be gittin in medical
skool nex an mabe I be yo doctor when Hillory take over da healtcare in
dis cuntry.

Spread the Stupidity


Only in America ...do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in America ......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.


Only in America ...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.


Only in America ....do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Only in America ......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.


Only in America ......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

Only in America ... do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.


EVER WONDER ....


Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin ?


Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?


Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?


Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?


Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle)...in other words, send it to everyone. We all need to smile every once in a while.

Daddy Longlegs

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention.

He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.

"They're mating," her father replied.

"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked.

"That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.

"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied, "No dear.
Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.

The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat, saying "Well, we're not having any of that brokeback mountain shit in our garden."

Brings a tear to your eye...doesn't it ?

DISNEY CANCELS MOVIE PROJECT:

CNN reported today that Walt Disney's new film called "Jet Black," the African-American version of "Snow White” has been cancelled. All of the 7 dwarfs: Dealer, Stealer, Mugger, Forger, Drive By, Homeboy, and Shank have refused to sing "Hi Ho" because they say it offends black prostitutes. They also say they have no intention of singing, "It's off to work we go."

Advertisement In Shop:
Guitar, for sale........ Cheap........
.......no strings attached.


Ad. In Hospital Waiting Room:
Smoking Helps You Lose Weight....
One Lung At A Time!


On a bulletin board:
Success Is Relative.
The more The Success,
The more The Relatives.


When I Read About The Evils Of Drinking....
I Gave Up Reading


My Grandfather Is Eighty
And Still Doesn't Need Glasses....
He Drinks Straight Out Of The Bottle.


Sign In A Bar:
'Those Of You Who Are Drinking To Forget,
Please do Pay In Advance.'


Sign In Driving School:
If Your Wife Wants To Learn To Drive,
Don't Stand In Her Way....


Behind Every Great Man,
There Is A Surprised Woman.


The Reason Men Lie Is Because
Women Ask too Many Questions.


Getting Caught
Is The Mother Of Invention.


Laugh And The World Laughs With You,
Snore And You Sleep Alone


The Surest Sign
That Intelligent Life Exists
Elsewhere In The Universe
Is The Fact That It Has Never Tried To Contact Us.


Sign At A Barber Shop :
We Need Your Heads To Run Our Business..


Sign In A Restaurant:
All Drinking Water In This Establishment
Has Been Personally Passed By The Manager.

Inner Peace


If you can start the day without caffeine,


If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,


If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,


If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,


If you can understand when your loved ones
are too busy to give you any time,


If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,


If you can relax without alcohol,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,


Then You Are Probably
The Family Dog!

EMBARRASSING MEDICAL EXAMS

At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on
an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.

'Big breaths,' . . . I instructed. 'Yes, they used to be,' . . . replied the patient.

Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes ,
Seattle , WA


While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I
asked, ' How long have you been bedridden? '

After a look of complete confusion she answered,
'Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was
alive.'

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson-
Corvallis , OR


I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning
and while checking up on a man I asked . . . ' So how's your
breakfast this morning? '

'It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem
to get used to the taste,' Bob replied.

I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a
foil packet labeled ' KY Jelly. '

Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf ,
Detroit

A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman
with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety
of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing entered .. . .

It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis,
so she was scheduled for immediate surgery.

While she was completely disrobed on the operating table,
the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green
and above it there was a tattoo that read . . . 'Keep off the grass. '

Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note
on the patient's dressing, which said 'Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn. '

Submitted by RN, no name


As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB. I was quite
embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my
embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.

The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam
suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me.
I looked up from my work and sheepishly said. . .I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?'

She replied with tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard

'No doctor but the song you were whistling was .. . .
'Oh, I wish I was an Oscar Mayer Wiener.'

Dr. wouldn't submit his name...


Baby's First Doctor Visit


A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room,
waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his
weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was
breast-fed or bottle-fed.

'Breast-fed,' she replied.

'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.

She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and
rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed
examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No
wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.'

'I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma."

A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.

The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a' so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills.

When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' and rode off.

'What did you do to get that Indian so excited?' asked the service-station attendant.

'Nothing,' the woman answered. 'I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off.'

'Lady,' the attendant said, 'Indians don't use saddles.

Three women have just entered heaven and are standing in front of St. Peter and his angel assistant. The women want to find out what kinds of special privileges they'll have while there. Saint Peter says to the women, "I only have one question. Have you lived a chaste life?"

The first woman answers "I have only had sex with one man, my husband. And our first time was on our wedding night." St. Peter turns to the angel and says "Ah, a woman who has lived as God intended, and certainly deserving of reward. Give her a key to the golden room."

The second woman says, "I have never known a man's touch. I was a nun and stayed in the sisterhood since I was only a young lass." St. Peter turned to the angel and said "Truly exceptional, a woman who has gone above and beyond in service of God. Give her a key to the platinum room!"

The third woman says, "I fucked 239 dudes: 67 before I met my husband, 35 while we were dating, 12 while we were engaged, 78 while we were married and 46 after he died." St. Peter stood stunned for a second, then leaned over to the angel and whispered, "Give her a key to my room."

Not so fast there Sonny!

A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.

An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya got there, sonny?"

The doctor replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It costs half a million dollars!"

"That's a lot of money," says the old man. Why does it cost so much?"

"Because this car can do up to 250 miles an hour!", replies the doctor. States the doctor proudly.

The moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"

"No problem," replies the doctor.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.

Then, sitting back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right, but I'll stick with my moped!"

Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what the car can do.

He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 150mph.

Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror - what it could be...and suddenly...

WHOOOOOSHHH!

Something whips by him going much faster!

"What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?" The doctor asks himself.

He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 175 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the moped!

Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 210 mph.

WHOOOSHHH!

He is feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!

Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 250 mph.

Not ten seconds later, he sees the moped bearing down on him again!

The Ferrari is flat out, and there is nothing he can do!

Suddenly, the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.

The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably, the old man is still alive. He runs up to the mangled old man and says "Oh my gosh! Is there anything I can do for you? I am a doctor."

The old man whispers, "Please unhook my suspenders from your side mirror."

We will Have Nun of That

A Russian soldier ran up to a nun in downtown Moscow.

Out of breath, he asked; "Sister, please, may I hide under your skirt, I'll explain later."

The nun agreed.

A moment later, two military police ran up and asked; "Sister, have you seen a soldier?"

The nun, pointing down the street, replied; "He went that way."

After the military police ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said; "I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Ukraine."

The nun said; "I understand completely."

The soldier added; "I hope I'm not rude; but you have a great pair of legs!"

The nun replied; "If you had looked a little higher, you would've seen a great pair of balls. I don't want to go to Ukraine either."

God said “Adam, I want you to do something for me.”

Adam said, “Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do ?”

God said, “Go down into that valley”

Adam said, “What’s a valley?”

God explained it to him. Then God said, “Cross the River.”

Adam said, “What’s a river?”

God explained that to him, and then said, “Go over to the hill …”

Adam said, “What is a hill?”

So, God explained to Adam what a hill was. He told Adam, “On the other side of the hill you will find a cave.”

Adam said, “What’s a cave?”

After God explained, He said, “In the cave you will find a woman.”

Adam said, “What’s a woman?”

So God explained that to him, too. Then, God said, “I want you to reproduce.”

Adam said, “How do I do that?”

God first said (under His breath), “Geez …” And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam as well.

So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman.

In about five minutes, he was back.

God, His patience wearing thin, said angrily, “What is it?”

Adam said, “What’s a Headache?”

A man walks into a bar and sees King Kong having a drink.

Now the man loves all of Kong’s films so he decides to walk up to him.
He says, “Wow! King Kong! I’m such a big fan. Sorry to bother you, but do you have time for a photo?”

King Kong suddenly looks up, checks his watch. He turns to the man and says, “Sorry, I’ve a plane to catch.”

Papa mole, a Mama mole, and a Baby mole, all live together in a little mole hole.

One day, papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and said, 'Yummy! I smell maple syrup!'

The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and said, 'Oh, Yummy! I smell honey!'

Now baby mole is trying to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but can't because the bigger moles are in the way. This makes him whine, 'Geez, all I can smell is...

MOL ASSES !

Allah be damned!

AtlantaTower: "Saudi Air 511 -- You are cleared to land on runway 9R."

Saudi Air: "Thank you Atlanta . Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R - Allah be Praised."

Atlanta Tower: " Iran Air 711 - You are cleared to land on runway 27L."

Iran Air: "Thank you Atlanta .We are cleared to land on infidel's runway 27L. -Allah is Great."

Pause....

Saudi Air: "ATLANTA TOWER - ATLANTA TOWER !"

Atlanta Tower: "Go ahead Saudi Air 511.."

Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFTS FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS. WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE . . . . .INSTRUCTIONS, PLEASE!"

Atlanta Tower: "Well bless your hearts. And praise Jesus. Y'all go on ahead now and tell Allah "hey" for us."

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.
So, the new monk goes to the Old Abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all off the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives, in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the Old Abbot.

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.

"We missed the R! We missed the R! We missed the bloody R!"

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.

The young monk asks the old Abbot, "What's wrong, father?"

With a choking voice, the old Abbot replies, "The word was ....

CELEBRATE!