The Adventures of Florida Man

Florida man and woman crash into FedEx truck during sex act
Byron Hurd
Fri, June 3, 2022, 11:29 AM·1 min read

Well, there's really no way to put this delicately. A Florida driver distracted by receiving intimate services from his passenger lost track of his surroundings and crashed head-on (it only gets worse from here, folks) into a FedEx delivery vehicle in Ft. Lauderdale on Thursday, resulting in "injuries to his private area," WPLG Local 10 reports.

The driver and passenger were apparently driving northbound in an SUV on North Ocean Boulevard when the driver became distracted by his passenger's performance and crossed the center line, striking the delivery van as it traveled southbound near the intersection with Northwest 19th St. Neither occupant of the FedEx vehicle was injured; the only package harmed was the one being attentively gift-wrapped by the passenger of the SUV

The Wise And Powerful wrote:

Florida man and woman crash into FedEx truck during sex act
Byron Hurd
Fri, June 3, 2022, 11:29 AM·1 min read

Well, there's really no way to put this delicately. A Florida driver distracted by receiving intimate services from his passenger lost track of his surroundings and crashed head-on (it only gets worse from here, folks) into a FedEx delivery vehicle in Ft. Lauderdale on Thursday, resulting in "injuries to his private area," WPLG Local 10 reports.

The driver and passenger were apparently driving northbound in an SUV on North Ocean Boulevard when the driver became distracted by his passenger's performance and crossed the center line, striking the delivery van as it traveled southbound near the intersection with Northwest 19th St. Neither occupant of the FedEx vehicle was injured; the only package harmed was the one being attentively gift-wrapped by the passenger of the SUV

Well that certainly sucks

Florida man tries to flee deputies on a riding lawn mower



Florida deputies used a taser to stop a man who tried to avoid arrest by fleeing on a riding lawn mower on Saturday.

The Okaloosa County sheriff’s office said it was trying to serve arrest warrants on the 40-year-old man and found him on the mower in a backyard. They shouted at him to stop and get on the ground when he tried to escape on the mower.

Deputies chased him on foot before using the taser. When he was finally caught deputies found him with a revolver, a handcuff key and a pipe with methamphetamine residue

He is facing charges of grand theft, grand theft of a vehicle, felony criminal mischief, two counts of resisting an officer, possession of a concealed weapon by a convicted felon, carrying a concealed handcuff key, possession of drug paraphernalia, felony failure and other counts.

https://news.yahoo.com/florida-man-tries-flee-deputies-105317160.html

Has Florida Man finally met his match?
ASSOCIATED PRESS
FREIDA FRISARO and CURT ANDERSON
Sat, July 23, 2022 at 6:25 AM

FORT LAUDERDALE, Fla. (AP) — When a naked man in southwestern Florida recently raised a ruckus outside his house and threatened a deputy with a kitchen knife, the SWAT team swooped in and apprehended him.

Soon afterward, Lee County Sheriff Carmine Marceno stood on the man's driveway in combat gear for a news conference while the suspect went to the jailhouse that the sheriff likes to call the “Marceno Motel.”

“He’s an oxygen-stealer and a scumbag, and I’m glad he’s outta here,” Marceno told reporters. “I’m proud to say that in this county, if you present deadly physical force ... we meet you with deadly force every time, and we win. It’s pretty clean, pretty quick.”

The Sunshine State has become internationally notorious for the oddball miscreants who populate its police blotters and local news reports — known collectively as Florida Man. There are murders and mayhem, like anyplace else, and then there are the only-in-Florida incidents like the man charged with assault with a deadly weapon for throwing an alligator through a Wendy’s drive-thru window in Palm Beach County in 2015.

But an equally eccentric cast of hard-boiled sheriffs make a career of going after these guys. Florida Man, meet Florida Sheriff.

All but one of Florida’s 67 counties have an elected sheriff, and they wield enormous influence in part because they’re often the only countywide elected official. They head agencies that typically patrol unincorporated portions of their county but also provide backup to city police departments and sometimes patrol small cities that lack their own force. Many, like Marceno, hold made-for-YouTube news conferences and use TikTok and other social media — frequently going just as viral as the perpetrators.

Take Santa Rosa County Sheriff Bob Johnson, in Florida’s Panhandle.

During a recent news conference about a burglary, Johnson, elected in 2016, said a homeowner had fired shots but didn't hit the suspect. Johnson encouraged that homeowner to take a gun safety course offered every other Saturday at the sheriff’s office so he could better take matters into his own hands.

“Learn to shoot a lot better,” Johnson said. “Save the taxpayers’ money.”

On the Atlantic Coast, near Cape Canaveral, Brevard County Sheriff Wayne Ivey makes a game of crime — literally. His weekly “ Wheel of Fugitive ” videos feature the sheriff spinning a wheel with photos of 10 of the county’s most wanted.

“Everybody watches it. Even the fugitives watch it” to see who becomes “fugitive of the week,” Ivey said.

The lucky winner of one recent episode was a 32-year-old white male accused of petit theft and failure to appear. The sheriff, first elected in 2012, looked into the camera as if speaking directly to the man and urged him to surrender: “Stop messing up and stop breaking the law. Get all of it behind you.”

The Twitter account of Pasco County Sheriff Chris Nocco — who has starred in A&E Network’s “Live PD” show — made a splash with local “Sad Criminal of the Day” posts. His agency also copyrighted the now-viral hashtag, #9pmroutine, a reminder to lock car doors and homes every night.

In January, the department cut off social media comments because the accounts fell victim to their success. With over 300,000 Facebook followers — more than double that of much larger Hillsborough County Sheriff’s Office in nearby Tampa — Nocco said people were too often reporting crimes online rather than calling 911.

Over in central Florida is, perhaps, the highest-profile enemy of Florida Man (and Florida Woman).

Polk County Sheriff Grady Judd, who constantly targets gangs, drug dealers and prostitution rings in his folksy Southern drawl, has been a frequent hit on TV since he was first elected with no party affiliation in 2005. Judd says of school shooters: "We're going to shoot you graveyard dead.”

He also has praised homeowners for firing on intruders, including one last December: “He gave him an early Christmas present. Only Santa Claus gets to come in your house,” Judd told a news conference.

Judd often refers to the Polk County Jail as the “Polk Pokey," and last holiday season, his office sold their version of the popular Elf on the Shelf doll, dubbed Sheriff on a Shelf, and he personally autographed Sheriff Judd bobbleheads.

One of Judd’s latest targets was not exactly the crime of the century. But Judd had plenty to say about a woman accused of assaulting workers at a McDonald's because her order was wrong.

“She’s a pretty lady. But she was McMad,” Judd said on May 20. “I don’t know if she was two fries short of a Happy Meal, but she created a McMess and acted like a McNut. ... This is Polk County. We don’t put up with that McJunk.”

Florida K9 captures accused kidnapper hiding under laundry, trash
By FOX 13 News Staff, Published 23 hours ago, FOX 13 News



MELBOURNE, Fla. - A Florida K9 took a bite out of crime when he helped capture a wanted man hiding underneath a pile of laundry and trash.

According to the Brevard County Sheriff’s Office, David Hallaman who was wanted for, among other things, false imprisonment and kidnappings, hid from deputies under a pile of clothes and garbage in a laundry room to avoid going to jail.

Hallaman quickly learned that he could run, but he couldn't hide.

"We will send a dog in to take a bite out of crime and that’s what Corporal Lance Behringer did when he unleashed K9 Gator and showed Mr. Hallaman what happens when you play hide and seek with the Brevard County Sheriff’s Office," Ivey stated. "Gator don’t play that and decided that one of Hallaman’s triceps would probably taste a little bit like chicken. After his little encounter with K9 Gator Mr. Tough Guy, you know, Mr. Hallaman, was crying like a little baby and quickly gave up."

Ivey said Hallaman was taken to the emergency room for stitches before going to jail.

He has been charged with false imprisonment, kidnapping, criminal mischief, battery and felony battery by strangulation.

Seen at a Walmart in Florida.

Florida Man Uses Slice of Pizza as Weapon in Alleged Assault Against Woman
Theteetimes, 2 Days Ago

In a heated argument a Florida man decided to use pizza as a weapon instead of using his hands after the woman allegedly smacked a member on the house in their bottom.

A man from Florida was taken into custody for allegedly slapping a woman across the face with a slice of pizza during an argument, as per court documents.

According to an arrest affidavit from the Marion County Sheriff’s Office and reported on by Fox News, Ortelio Lazaro Alfonso carried out the strange assault during a possible domestic disturbance.



During a fight, Alfonso, 39, is accused of hitting the victim on the left side of her face with the slice after she hit another person in the home “on his bottom area,” the affidavit stated.

The victim’s shirt, collar, and the back of her shirt were splattered with pizza sauce, and she had “remnants of pizza” in her hair and near her ear. Deputies also discovered sauce on the walls and ceiling of the kitchen, according to the affidavit.